3 weeks to go

Just 3 more weeks of work to go, and this week is a short week for 2 reasons.
1) It's Thanksgiving Weekend in Canada, so Monday is a statutory holiday
2) I'm taking Tuesday off due to needing to take 6 days off before my official vacation begins and having 2 doctor's appointments on Tuesday.

I can't count on how long it will take for baby to arrive, but I can count how many days of work left, there are 14 business days left, or which I should take 6 off, so 8 days :) I probably won't get all 6 days taken, so I'll have to take a few as payout at the end of the year, but the fewer the better. At most I hope to be able to take 3 of those 6 days remaining because they are lieu and floater days, so if I don't take them, they are lost.

I still haven't taken any pictures of our pregnancy, I suppose I should do that since the baby could come at any time. I'm debating between having hubby take some, or one of our friends, since we have 2 that are professional photographers. It's more the timing than anything else.

New stuff

I've been thinking for a year or 2 now about a career change. I've decided I want it to be something related to my degree in Environmental Science. Lately 2 things have been on my mind.
1) Sustainable design - in that when furinishing/redecorating using environmentally friendly products or reusing furniture.
2) Off grid home reno - when I think about the home renos I want to do in my new place, it's all in an effort to lower my costs for utilities. So I'm currently thinking about solar panels or other alternatives for energy production. Mostly because dear hubby falls asleep in front of the TV a lot.

So while off with the baby over the next year I'm going to be doing research in what direction I want to take my career and educating myself. In the meantime, I've started a new blog about sustainability. So I invite you to visit me at Sustain & Contain It

Count Down

I'm counting down the weeks left at work until my vacation then mat leave, 54 glorious weeks away from work! Just 6 more weeks and one day to go.

I've pretty much lost all enthusiam for my job and really don't want to do it anymore, perhaps I'll consider a career change when I'm home on mat leave. I'm just not sure at this time what I'd want to do with at least some of the remainder of my expected working career of 21 years.

For some reason, I think the baby is going to be a week late, I think D-Day is going to be November 23, current EDD is November 15. I also think the baby's weight will be 9lbs and 14oz, as for the sex well I thought it would be a girl, until about a month ago, now I think it will be a boy. Only God, the baby and maybe the technician know for sure.

Tuesday the crib was delivered, and hubby and I set it up that night, so the baby's room is starting to come together. Mom, or should I say grandmom, painted it for me last week in a light green colour.

I'm finally starting to plan a bit more for the arrival, I haven't been all that communicative about the baby or pregnancy and done minimal planning for the baby's arrival, just a side effect of having had 3 miscarriages, sometimes I forget I'm pregnant until I try to pick something up off the ground and there's a big belly in the way. I should have hubby take some photos to document these last weeks of growth. Right now though...naptime.

Counting

Hubby bought some of those solar night lights for outside, we have 10, I went to tell him we needed 2 more, because it's better to count to 12 than to 10. Then I sang a little song from my childhood and he had no idea what I was talking about. It took me 20 minutes but I finally found it, the ses.ame st pin.ball song. I was also trying to find the songs for 5 and 7 which has a band I think of mup.pets playing, but no such luck. I forgot all about rock and roll telephone, but another great one from the classic ss.

So now baby's bopping around in m tummy, I should call up hubby to come feel!

Hubby Participates

For the last 2 weeks hubby's been putting his hands on my tummy trying to feel the baby move, and either the baby isn't moving at the moment or he can't feel it. Finally, today, hubby felt the baby move. I was napping on my in-laws couch and he woke me for dinner by playing with my hair. I could feel the baby moving under my hand, although oddly not internally, so I got him to put his hand on my tummy and he felt the baby move 3 times!

I still think it's sweet that he's been putting his hands and forehead on my tummy trying to interact with the baby.

The post where I declare what a naughty mom I will be

In this post I admit my short comings as motherhood approaches.

• My house will not be as clean as I like, not even close to how clean the house I grew up in was.
• Meals will be pre-fab more often then they should be.
• I won't be as active with my kids as I should be, i.e. 30 minutes a day (I don't have that kind of energy without kids, don't think that's going to improve).
• I likely won't breast feed for very long, if at all, which is why I'm not putting any of the related baby shower items on my list.
• My kid will likely be spoiled rotten with things, maybe we'll stop that by the time the child is old enough to understand they can't have everything they want (Drake isn't as spoiled as he used to be).

Things I will be doing

• Reading regularly with baby/child
• Hugging a lot and telling them I love them all the time
• Spending time with my child at home doing crafts or playing board games
• Helping with homework

More Kicking

This morning I woke up at 5am and couldn't get back to sleep. The baby was moving a lot so I thought I'd see if I could feel it from the outside, and I could. I tried to wake up hubs, but he was too tired and I didn't want to wake him up too early just in case the baby stopped moving or it wasn't as obvious to him. By 6am when he woke up the baby wasn't moving as much, so he didn't get to feel it. I'm hoping this weekend though he'll get an opportunity to feel the baby move for the first time.

Belly Rubs

Today I had my first belly rub request, which I granted since I know the person and my belly button hasn't gotten sore yet, and still exists, but is getting smaller, in fact the scar from the peircing and the gall bladder removal is no longer inside my belly button. Makes me think this is what my tummy must have looked like when I had the gall bladder surgery since they fill your stomach up with gas in order to do it.

Mostly this pregnancy has been really easy, although there are a few things to get used to. For example, half my favourite sleeping positions are no longer an option some nights. Having to go to the ladies room more often and before I sneeze. Climbing stairs makes me winded and tired and want to cry at the thought of having forgotten something up there that I need before I head out the door. Bending over to put my feet through the legs of clothing is becoming difficult and will get more diffcult. I threatened hubby that he might have to start dressing me for bed at night by the end of the pregnancy (seems easier to do in the morning). Going to bed early because I'm so tired sometimes means not being able to get back to sleep after a potty break. All of these things though are just minor inconveniences though, so I have no complaints when people ask me if the pregnancy is going well, just hubby sees me struggling at times by the end of the work day to keep going for a couple more hours so I'm not falling into bed at 5pm before even eating dinner.

Writing of dinner, I'm thinking to adjust my diet, which is pretty much what it was prior to pregnancy so that I'm eating more fruits and vegetables, and fewer simple carbs. I'm hoping it will give me more energy as I know I tire easily on a high carb diet. I'm also hoping it will keep my weight gain slow and steady for the remainder of the pregnancy (so far so good). I'm craving more fruits anyway, so it shouldn't be too hard to do.

10 selfish things I'd do if I won 50 million

In response to Julie's post last week, I'll post this week about what I would do if I won 50 million.

1. I would travel looking for a city where I might like to spend most of my time (home base).
2. I would build an ecologically friendly home - or at least one that is "off the grid".
3. An infinity pool and a hot tub
4. Get a maid
5. Regular esthetician appointments in home
6. Remove all the birthmarks/moles on my body
7. Laser hair removal
8. Dye my hair blonde
9. Hair weave when I decide on a preferred colour

Other not so selfish things I would do:

1. I would give my brother and hubby's sister enough money to pay their mortgages and then retire so that they could at least live the same standard of living that they would should they have to work for the next 25 years.
2. I might open a sustainability related business, lately I've been thinking about home furnishings in recycled or sustainable matrials.
3. Alternately I would consider donating funds to something that is close to resolving some issue of humanity.

22 weeks

Well baby is kicking a lot now, I was concerned when I hadn't felt anything for 3 weeks. It still only feels like butterflies or air bubbles. It's all the time too, not just certain times of the day. Well only 15 weeks and 1 day left until my vacation then maternity leave!

On the knitting side I messed up on the blanket and have to start over. I need to learn how to rip out stitches and pick them back up on the needle as well as how to pick up dropped stitches. The bootie on the other hand is slowly progressing.

Lastly I have to figure out how I'm going to invest some inheritance money, so I suppose I should start doing some research.

Day 2 and 3 on the project endeavour

Well, I tried 4 or 5 more times on Sunday to knit 6 rows, and still ended up with 0. It doesn't [ay to knit when tired, frustrated and pregnant.

Monday went better, I ended up with 8 rows completed (although I probably knit close to 20 and had to keep pulling them out because I kept adding a stitch).

Today I completed the 4 rows to make 12 on the first half of the bootie cuff, and then did another 4 on the other half of the cuff (although this one took me three tries to get to 4 rows, pulled out 2 rows twice due to extra or dropped stitches).

Tomorrow I endeavour to complete the last 8 rows on this second half of the cuff. I find knitting two rows at a time and then taking a break for an hour means fewer mistakes.

Knitting Day 1

So I'm making a pair of booties for the baby (actually it might be 3 booties, since the first bootie is likely to be practice.

This morning I cast on the 18 stitches and knit 2 rows, at which point I counted and realized I had dropped a stitch, so I pulled it out.

Then I cast 18 new stitches, knit four rows, all good. So I went to unpack some boxes (my hands get a little tired and I don't want to get tired and make a mistake.

Outside later this afternoon I knit 2 more rows, counted my stitches and had 1 extra stitch, so I pulled it all out again. I came back inside, cast 18 more stitches, knit 2 rows all good, so I took a little break. I took the empty boxes from unpacking my books to the garage and the recycling, bicycle pump and a couple of wire shelves. When I came back inside Drake (the dog) had stolen the ball of yarn (to which my 2 rows was attached) and dragged it and the needle up to the master bedroom from the living room. He was told he was very naughty and had to have a timeout in the corner for a while (about 5 to 10 minutes). I then pulled out the stitches again. At this point I calculated how many rows I have to stitch per day to reach the point I want to reach for my class on Thursday night. The instructions for the booties contain 2 items for which I cannot visualize and there are no instructions in the book. I need to do 6 rows a day (including today).

Grand count thus far...... zero.

I did get a nice little sunburn around my neck yesterday at the beach though.

A new craft

So I've decided I'm going to try my hand at a new craft. It's one I've tried before but become bored with doing learners crafts. I've decided to try to knit a pair of baby booties. I know, not exactly a learners first attempt.

The way I figure it, it's small, so there's not a lot of outlay for wool. There's enough difference in what you're doing than just knitting row after row of one colour for a scarf (the projects I've previously tried). I have 4 months before the baby is born and the bootie size is 3 to 6 months, so I have until next spring to make them. I'm also going to take a beginners class where you bring your own project and materials and they help you out with it.

Today I plan to go buy the wool and needles.

Last Day of Vacation.

We've moved, and I took 4 days off work to do it, today being the last of those 4 days. I still have lots of unpacking and organizing to do, but I'm hoping to get at least the kitchen completed today. At least yesterday I finished off everything at the old house, so I only need to return once more for a contractor to fix a window that sprung a leak the week before we were to move. That wasn't the only surprise my moving weekend, dad's place also received 2 offers so I spent some of that 4 days helping mom sign and fax the offer back and forth to the buyer to accept the offer. Then there was a really short closing date so mom and bro went up to the place on Sunday to clear it out. They did (mostly my bro and his friend) cleared out all the furniture and most of the garage in 4 hours. They filled 2 large dumpsters (30 yard ones, or 18ft long, 8 wide, 4 high). Yes dad had a lot of junk.

Today I'm 19 weeks along in my pregnancy, last week on Tuesday and Thursday I felt the baby move, but not since (probably too busy and stressed to notice any movement). Today is my ob/gyn appt. I also had an ultrasound last week, we'll be on the green team because hubby wants the sex of the baby to be a surprise. Baby didn't cooperate much with the ultrasound and the technician had a hard time getting all the information she needed to capture. We did get a couple of pictures though and I think hubby thought it was neat for the first 20 minutes (the room was hot with 3 of us in it and he started getting sleepy after that).

Anyway, big goals for today are grocery shopping (time for some real food and not takeout). Seeing if the place down the street does doggy daycare at a reasonable rate, doctor's appt and more organizing at home.

The other funny thing for the last couple of days the dog has been following me every where, normally he spends his time with daddy when daddy is at home.

16 Weeks tomorrow

Really, has it only been 3 weeks since I posted? It surely feels like 2 months have passed...really only 3 weeks?

Obviously I'm very excited, and I want the weeks to just whip by, they seem to go SOOOO SLOWLY! Next major milestone is the move back into the city proper on June 19th, just 2.5 weeks away. I've done some of the documentation to get the move underway in changing our address. There is still a lot of packing to do and mom has been helping me, since hubby wants to do his own packing. At least hubby takes apart the big items for the move, I just have to pack my stuff and the joint stuff.

The pregnancy has been very easy, I have only 1 complaint, I think I pulled a muscle in my back way back in Feb (due to the loose muscles & ligaments of pregnancy) and it's hurt by 6pm everyday since (OK, I got about a week's relief with no pain about 2 weeks ago). Right about now I'm debating on taking it very easy for a few days, seeing an acupuncturist, seeing a masseuse or seeing a chiropractor, any of them are covered by my health insurance at work, I just have to submit the bill, I'm just lazy.

Today I noticed that my belly is finally bigger than my boo.bs, I'm sure that will change tomorrow. Also apparently I could even start feeling movement this week, if I'm really attentive and guess correctly that it's the baby moving rather than my digestive track. It's more likely that I won't realize the movements until week 18 or so. I wonder when hubby can feel the baby moving.

Oddest craving. Cold milk, by the 1/2 litre or more (pint for my American buds). Odd because I'm sensitive to lactose, and although I have lactose free milk in cereal, tea, coffee, have yoghurt and cheese, I haven't had a glass of milk in years. I crave it by the glass though!

Finally

13 weeks tomorrow! Yippee, I've finally made it through the first trimester with a healthy pregnancy. It was easier this time in a sense, because I didn't even know until I was 8 weeks along, so I only had to really worry for 5 weeks. When I did worry I just kept telling myself I've had really bad luck, it doesn't mean that there is a repeatable reason why I keep miscarrying that had yet to be diagnosed and treated.

The expected due date is November 15 or 16, depending on which doctor or application you'd like to reference. I'm kind of hoping for the 11th, just because in hubby's family most of them have their birth month and birth day as the same value (i.e. 7/7, 8/8 and 9/9).

I've had to use some maternity clothes for the last couple of weeks, just because my pants keep slipping low under my tummy and either that's uncomfortable, also if I move my arms about then my tummy is exposed as the shirt rides up. The problem I've found with maternity pants though is that I don't have enough tummy to keep the elastic waist up, so the weight of the pant itself drags down and then I trip on the cuffs of the pant.

Anyway, very excited! I'm already planning the theme of the baby's room, I'd like to paint it a light green with a gray undertone (I want to use the term sage, but that might not be right), and then to have a jungle/safari theme to room. I've already got a stuffed elephant and a stuffed giraffe (both by Ty Pluffies). I want to also put up one of those shelf like moldings around the room at about 4.5 ft high. I've been seeing it in model homes, I think it's just crown molding with a 3 by 1 on top to make the shelf (and maybe another 3 by 1 against the wall to attach the crown molding and other 3 by 1 too).

So although I'm really excited, I'm still scared and like some of my friends say, although I might not realize it, I'm probably stressed about the pregnancy going full term and probably won't take a truly deep breath until the baby is born healthy. Which is true, I still often say when talking about plans for maternity leave or the future are prefaced with the condition that this pregnancy works out.

Cause for Celebration?

I never thought I'd have cause to celebrate a miscarriage, but that's exactly how I feel today. Yesterday I saw the doctor and since the baby had died 2 weeks ago and was so early on in the pregnancy there wasn't a possibility to test the genetics of the embryo, hubby and I are having ours done though. However, the doctor told me given the pattern of the HCG levels (the beta as she calls them), the pregnancy was ectopic. This morning I had an ultrasound to see if they could see anything in my uterus or tubes, as it's very rare for a tubal ectopic to clear on it's own.

Thankfully there is no fetal tissue found in my uterus or tubes, and I'm so happy I want to dance. I was so worried I would lose my right tube as I almost always ovulate on the right, so losing the tube would significantly reduce my prospects of becoming pregnant again.

I have one other thing to be thankful for, as often as I've miscarried I truly believe that one day I will have a daughter, and that I couldn't be more proud of the woman she grows up to be. I just don't like the idea of having to wait until my early to mid forties to have her.

Where to begin

Here we go again.
Another pregnancy
Another failure
Another wait to miscarry the products of conception

This is number 3. I thought the doctor was supposed to take action to investigate possible causes, at least genetic testing of the embryo. When I talk to the nurse though about what the doctor wants, I just get that I should stop the meds and come back for another blood test next week.

I booked an appointment with the doctor to discuss genetic testing, now I just have to hope I don't lose the fetal tissue before I can meet with her, and then schedule the tests. With my luck though I'll pass the tissue this weekend.

I've decided to stop the fertility drugs. I took a break 6 months ago, and during that time I felt that the drugs are not the right way for me to conceive, I returned to the fertility clinic, since I had paid for a year of support, I then became pregnant in the next cycle, and lost the baby. The next cycle I could conceive in I became pregnant again, and now I'm losing this one too.

I wish I felt more angry, I'd really like to feel angry, I'd really like to express anger, but any time I want to be angry I just cry instead.

This sucks.

I've been thinking lately about starting a website of my experiences, I was looking for a book on working through miscarriage after I miscarried this time, and surprisingly there was only 2 on the website I checked, all the other books were about lower the risk of miscarriage and pregnancy after miscarriage, obviously niether of which I was looking for.

I have been on other blogs and pregnancy and infant loss boards, but since there's often little to no organization within these types of forums I found it difficult to get what I needed. When I was in the depths of the loss, working to finding what I needed isn't what I was willing to do, crying and sleeping was more along the lines of what I was doing.

I've been back at work for 2 weeks now, and it's helping me to give me a break from the grief and somethin else to focus on while my body heals. I'm still conflicted about starting again trying to conceive and the risk of another miscarriage. I have in my head that there are still 3 losses I'll experience before successfully delivering a baby. I'm not prepared for that at this point. I know that I can approach pregnancy without fear of miscarrying, I did it for this last pregnancy, but it had been nearly 2 years since the last and I wanted a baby very much. I'm not prepared to experience the loss again so soon. For now I'm thinking to wait before starting fertility treatments again, no point in spending the money when conflicted on fertility treatments.

May this be the end - TMI

It's been nearly 2 weeks since my second miscarriage, apparently there is still a little bit of tissue in my uterus. The doctor wants me to wait 2 weeks to see if I pass it myself, if not she'd try to remove it in the clinic. I feel the wait is preventing me from moving on in my grieving process, and I fear that there's a risk of hemorraging again or infection that could cause more fertility issues for me. I called the office on Friday and asked to have the in office procedure scheduled for early this week. So it will be Monday morning. Hopefully it works.

Finally yesterday is the first day I didn't cry a lot, a confess there were a few tears, literally only 3 or so. One day at a time, some days will be easier than others, otherall, it will get easier with time.