Finally

13 weeks tomorrow! Yippee, I've finally made it through the first trimester with a healthy pregnancy. It was easier this time in a sense, because I didn't even know until I was 8 weeks along, so I only had to really worry for 5 weeks. When I did worry I just kept telling myself I've had really bad luck, it doesn't mean that there is a repeatable reason why I keep miscarrying that had yet to be diagnosed and treated.

The expected due date is November 15 or 16, depending on which doctor or application you'd like to reference. I'm kind of hoping for the 11th, just because in hubby's family most of them have their birth month and birth day as the same value (i.e. 7/7, 8/8 and 9/9).

I've had to use some maternity clothes for the last couple of weeks, just because my pants keep slipping low under my tummy and either that's uncomfortable, also if I move my arms about then my tummy is exposed as the shirt rides up. The problem I've found with maternity pants though is that I don't have enough tummy to keep the elastic waist up, so the weight of the pant itself drags down and then I trip on the cuffs of the pant.

Anyway, very excited! I'm already planning the theme of the baby's room, I'd like to paint it a light green with a gray undertone (I want to use the term sage, but that might not be right), and then to have a jungle/safari theme to room. I've already got a stuffed elephant and a stuffed giraffe (both by Ty Pluffies). I want to also put up one of those shelf like moldings around the room at about 4.5 ft high. I've been seeing it in model homes, I think it's just crown molding with a 3 by 1 on top to make the shelf (and maybe another 3 by 1 against the wall to attach the crown molding and other 3 by 1 too).

So although I'm really excited, I'm still scared and like some of my friends say, although I might not realize it, I'm probably stressed about the pregnancy going full term and probably won't take a truly deep breath until the baby is born healthy. Which is true, I still often say when talking about plans for maternity leave or the future are prefaced with the condition that this pregnancy works out.

Cause for Celebration?

I never thought I'd have cause to celebrate a miscarriage, but that's exactly how I feel today. Yesterday I saw the doctor and since the baby had died 2 weeks ago and was so early on in the pregnancy there wasn't a possibility to test the genetics of the embryo, hubby and I are having ours done though. However, the doctor told me given the pattern of the HCG levels (the beta as she calls them), the pregnancy was ectopic. This morning I had an ultrasound to see if they could see anything in my uterus or tubes, as it's very rare for a tubal ectopic to clear on it's own.

Thankfully there is no fetal tissue found in my uterus or tubes, and I'm so happy I want to dance. I was so worried I would lose my right tube as I almost always ovulate on the right, so losing the tube would significantly reduce my prospects of becoming pregnant again.

I have one other thing to be thankful for, as often as I've miscarried I truly believe that one day I will have a daughter, and that I couldn't be more proud of the woman she grows up to be. I just don't like the idea of having to wait until my early to mid forties to have her.

Where to begin

Here we go again.
Another pregnancy
Another failure
Another wait to miscarry the products of conception

This is number 3. I thought the doctor was supposed to take action to investigate possible causes, at least genetic testing of the embryo. When I talk to the nurse though about what the doctor wants, I just get that I should stop the meds and come back for another blood test next week.

I booked an appointment with the doctor to discuss genetic testing, now I just have to hope I don't lose the fetal tissue before I can meet with her, and then schedule the tests. With my luck though I'll pass the tissue this weekend.

I've decided to stop the fertility drugs. I took a break 6 months ago, and during that time I felt that the drugs are not the right way for me to conceive, I returned to the fertility clinic, since I had paid for a year of support, I then became pregnant in the next cycle, and lost the baby. The next cycle I could conceive in I became pregnant again, and now I'm losing this one too.

I wish I felt more angry, I'd really like to feel angry, I'd really like to express anger, but any time I want to be angry I just cry instead.

This sucks.

I've been thinking lately about starting a website of my experiences, I was looking for a book on working through miscarriage after I miscarried this time, and surprisingly there was only 2 on the website I checked, all the other books were about lower the risk of miscarriage and pregnancy after miscarriage, obviously niether of which I was looking for.

I have been on other blogs and pregnancy and infant loss boards, but since there's often little to no organization within these types of forums I found it difficult to get what I needed. When I was in the depths of the loss, working to finding what I needed isn't what I was willing to do, crying and sleeping was more along the lines of what I was doing.

I've been back at work for 2 weeks now, and it's helping me to give me a break from the grief and somethin else to focus on while my body heals. I'm still conflicted about starting again trying to conceive and the risk of another miscarriage. I have in my head that there are still 3 losses I'll experience before successfully delivering a baby. I'm not prepared for that at this point. I know that I can approach pregnancy without fear of miscarrying, I did it for this last pregnancy, but it had been nearly 2 years since the last and I wanted a baby very much. I'm not prepared to experience the loss again so soon. For now I'm thinking to wait before starting fertility treatments again, no point in spending the money when conflicted on fertility treatments.

May this be the end - TMI

It's been nearly 2 weeks since my second miscarriage, apparently there is still a little bit of tissue in my uterus. The doctor wants me to wait 2 weeks to see if I pass it myself, if not she'd try to remove it in the clinic. I feel the wait is preventing me from moving on in my grieving process, and I fear that there's a risk of hemorraging again or infection that could cause more fertility issues for me. I called the office on Friday and asked to have the in office procedure scheduled for early this week. So it will be Monday morning. Hopefully it works.

Finally yesterday is the first day I didn't cry a lot, a confess there were a few tears, literally only 3 or so. One day at a time, some days will be easier than others, otherall, it will get easier with time.

First day back to work

Today is my first day back to work. I was hoping it would be a little easier than it's been so far, although it's only been the drive into the office and booting up my computer.

My biggest emotional trigger right now is answering the questions "how was your vacation" and "what did you do". I asked some people for feedback on what to do, I like to be truthful, but in all honesty I'd probably burst into tears.

I figured larger meetings I'd just show up late for the first week.
Hubby said to tell people that there were some family emergencies, that left my vacation certainly less than expected.
One of the boards I'm on mentioned saying fine and turning the tables right back by asking what's occurred at the office while I've been away to keep things business focused.
I guess I could say I was sick most of my vacation.

Maybe I'll update through out the day, it's currently 8:30am.

Update:
I ended up bursting into tears and leaving at 9:30. The remainder of the week I worled form home in the morning. The afternoons I spent mostly in pain, turns out there is still some tissue left, hopefully to be removed Monday. At least I'm not cramping anymore.

Shattered

As my vacation draws to a close, I have a confession to make, my vacation was a terrible one. I started out this vacation with such high hopes of accomplishing a lot. I was hoping to knock several items off my to do list, which I did with mom's help, and I was hoping to go back to work and soon announce an extended vacation period for maternity leave next April. Alas, that's not to be, the second [week]day of my vacation I learned the baby's heartbeat was slow and there had been little growth since the week before (there was no heartbeat the week before). The following week I learned there was no heartbeat, our baby had passed away. I miscarried on Tuesday Sept 22, 6 days before the 2 year anniversary of my first miscarriage. I found out I was pregnant this time 2 days before the anniversary of the same last time, to an extent I've felt fated to miscarry since day 1, but tried to take hope from this time having pregnancy symptoms, whereas last time I had none.

I had so many plans for my impending leave and they've all been shattered, my heart is breaking, and in some ways, because I desired the change at work so strongly I feel trapped to continuing with it, since changing jobs and trying to get pregnant again I don't feel right about. I'm fearful and worried, sad and disappointed and angry. I've been journalling my feelings, and the associated thoughts with them to try to get a handle on my grief.

It would be nice to take some extra time and go away for a few days (and my boss would allow for it), but hubby started a new job a month ago and is still on probation and doesn't feel comfortable in requesting to take the time off. Instead we'll be going away later, after his probation period is over, a short holiday for us.

Why am I here?

Have you ever wondered at why you're on this earth?

For myself I like to think that there is some plane of existence in which the essence of me investigated the different possible places I could go, if I so choose, and for some reason I decided to come to this planet. Why would I choose to come here though, I like to pretend there are rules in choosing.

1. Moving to certain planes means you don't get to have knowledge that other planes exist and what they are really like. If you learn about them, you have to take them on faith.
2. When in one of the planes where you can see the other ones, you can't go to them all directly, you need to pass through another before, and depending on how you conduct yourself you may or may not get to go to the plane you were aiming at initially.
3. When you go to a new plane (one where you don't have knowledge of the existence of other planes) you don't get to choose which life you'll be born into, you take your chances.

So why would I choose to come to earth?

I could take the selfish route, there was some other plane I wanted to get to and although earth was one of multiple routes, maybe it was the shortest. I wouldn't be here more than 125 years (and likely less), maybe the other planes I could have lived for hundreds of years.

Alternately, maybe I looked upon the earth and I saw something I wanted to participate in, for example

• The great joys possible here in pursuing relationships with other people
• Helping people that are in pain or righting a societal injustice
• Experiencing faith in things that are unprovable

I think in figuring this out would help me feel purposeful and happy, because if I'm not doing what I thinking I'm supposed to be doing, then I'm not going to be happy.

Ahhh Vacation

I'm off again for 2 glorious weeks, looks like the nice weather will hold for at least the first week and I'll have some time to myself since hubby has to work (he just started a new job a month ago with one of the "big 6" banks here).

I don't have many plans for the 2 weeks off, I few house chores and redocorating I've been meaning to do for a while now, I made a list and prioritized it, there are 41 items on it and I completed 2 of them a couple of weeks ago. I hope to complete 3 or 4 more while on vacation. Other than that, just me time to relax and chill out.

I went shopping today for some new jeans, I got 2 new pairs. I didn't find any tops that I liked though.

Now I'm going to go back to relaxing on the couch and watching TV.

Freedom

Last cycle was great taking a break from fertility testing, I'm not going back this month either. In fact, I never want to go back. The one and only reason I want to go back is to have an ultrasound to see if they can see a cyst or fibroid on my left ovary. The acupuncturist says there's one there -- did I mention that already?

Work is crazy busy I could use another holiday, but I don't have one scheduled for another 2.5 months, boohoo, but I'm hoping things will settle down in a month (yah right, they'll just give me another huge thing to do).

I'm taking the weekend off to relax!

Updates

Last cycle I was on Puregon. For 3 weeks straight I was angry, mad, annoyed, pissed, aggravated...I think you get the point. Usually when I become angry I can take timeout to think about what is triggering the anger and deal with the issue to resolve the anger, I don't yell. I know now that it was primarily the drugs, but it was really hard month. Well no baby this month.

I'm taking a week off work to relax. I've also thought a lot about whether to take some time off cycle monitoring or continuing. Being an analyst, I decided to make a list for each. Here it is.

Keep going:
1 year of cycle monitoring has already been paid for
I really want to have a baby
I'm not getting any younger (I'll be 37 in Sept)
DH could be out of town for 6 months effectively ending any more ttc'ing until he returns
Stopping the drugs - it could take my body months to return to normal cycling - i.e. ovulating and producing enough progesterone

Stop for 1 cycle (maybe more)
Doesn't feel like the right thing to be doing to get pregnant
Hasn't felt like the right thing since the beginning of the second cycle (I've done 4 now)
Cost of IUI (DH is unemployed and can't afford anything extra in June)
Hormonally induced emotional breakdowns (left work in tears last cycle and broke down crying 2 other times during the same cycle)
Stress levels at work until July are very high, and not conducive to conception

So I've decided to take a month off of cycle monitoring, including no BBT to see if there's a temperature shift. Right now I think I might go see an accupuncturist, but I haven't make the appointment yet, and for me thinking about and making the acctual appointment are pretty far apart (even if I am pretty sure I should at least try it).

Anyway, I have this week off, and I'm trying not to look at anything work related. I thought it would be hard because I've been working every night and weekend for months, but I shutdown my computer and black.berry on Friday after work and have absolutely no desire to even contemplate work.

I was hoping the coming week would be nicer out, I was thinking of going to the local amusement park and art gallery. I can still go to the art gallery, but the amusement park would suck in the rain, and since it's not supposed to be very warm then the waterslides would not be much fun either.

I guess I'll do reading and gardening instead.

Baby Dust Needed

Last month didn't work out, so this month we're trying IUI again, with a different FSH drug. Today is the second treatment and I'm soooo tired from waking up early in the morning to be at the clinic by 7, especially when the treatments take place on the weekends and holidays (it's Victoria Day weekend today, also known as May two four weekend - always the Monday on or before May 24th). I'd rather be sleeping in rather than trying to nudge hubby awake to participate in treatments too.

Would love prayers to conceive this time, if successful I could have a Valentine's Day baby!

Vegetable Garden

This year I decided to plant a vegetable garden, so a few months ago I bought about 8 packages of seeds. Have you ever noticed that the seeds in the packages are much larger than the seeds you see in the veggie normally. I wonder how they do that. Well I thought it might also be good to see how they grown indoors to see if I can have home grown vegetables all year round. Anyway, 2 weeks ago I planted my seeds from the 3 packages that take the longest to reach maturity, those would be romaine lettuce, green onion (or spring onion if you prefer) and zucchini (or courgette if you prefer). I bought 4 aluminium lasagna trays to plant my veggies and I made 6 little homes for the seeds in each. Now the lettuce and onion are tiny seeds, so I put 3 or 4 in each hole. Today finally the zucchini sprouted (it was supposed to germinate first, but it was last). I now have 1 zucchini sprout, 5 lettuce and 2 onion. I'm quite proud of my little veggies and I hope they grow to maturity. I plan to put them in my backyard in 3 weeks (which is considered to be the big planting weekend in my little corner of the world). I'm hoping the dog won't eat them as I grow them. I plan to put up a little fence to discourage him, but enough space between the edge of the bed and the fence for me to knee on the other side to remove weeds.

My other veggies are yellow wax beans and snow peas, and I bought a couple of packages of flowers too. I want to also grow red peppers (actually any sweet or bell pepper will do, but I tend to use the red, yellow and orange ones and those are pretty expensive off season). I wonder if I can plant the seeds from the veggie when I cut it open, normally I just compost the parts I don't use. Also I think I might buy a tomato plant, I'm not a big fan of tomatoes, but I've started making a couple of recipes and each calls for a whole tomato, so that's 2 per week consumed, so maybe a plant would be a good idea.

So seeing my little veggies grow has been making me feel a little maternal and I keep telling hubby how the seedlings are doing, at least I don't check daily or drag him to look at them daily, I check about 4 times a week, because I have to remember to water them (I'll forget if I don't look in on the plants, I try to remember to look at them daily, but I usually on manage alternate days.

Well off to read my book again.

Timeout

Yesterday and today we did our first IUI treatments. I decided to take the time off work to try to relax. Being off for 2 days has made me realize 2 things.
1) I need to take more vacation
2) I need to be less available when I take time off, rather than checking email 2-3 times a day, at least I have a smartphone making it easier to check, but it still leaves me feeling stressed.

Now for the 2 week wait, wish me luck, I'll know if the treatments were successful just before mother's day.

Expectation Setting

So when I went to the doctor on Wednesday we talked somewhat on procedures & costs. Not much on procedures, because she needed to know 2 things first.

1. My budget
2. Insurance coverage

Hubby and I defined a basic budget for this, we decided to spend $5000 and no more. That number depended on insurance coverage of medication and procedural costs. So my insurance will cover 80% of all meds to a $9000 lifetime maximum. I'm hoping with this information I can find out from my doctor the plan for the next 3-5 cycles.

As for timelines, to be honest, I don't feel like doing cycle monitoring anymore (it's only been 2 cycles), since you have to pay for a year I'll continue with the monitoring and we'll see month by month what I feel like doing.

Hubby and I also talked a little bit about long term plans if we don't get pregnant. I've thought about it a fair bit (I'm a planner, I've been thinking about it since my early 20s). These are my thoughts/options obviously I can't do them all at the same time:

1. Downsize to a condo or possibly sell all property and travel the world working here and there to support traveling.
2. Quit work, and do something I find more fulfilling, less stressful and socially responsible
3. Be a foster parent, and/or join big sisters in my community

I suppose #2 I can do anytime, well, hubby has to be working, and downsizing might have to be done first or pay off the mortgage.

Maybe next month

It occurred to me as I titled this post that it's the same URL as Hope's blog. Although I don't want to do IUI, I do want to conceive. I think this cycle in addition to whatever the doctor's put me on, I'll take some time off and work from home the week after the IUI. Maybe a little relaxation on top of the more agressive treatment will make things happen this month.

Current treatment

I forgot to mention that I am currently on progestrone to lengthen my luteal phase. It didn't do exactly what it was supposed to last month, the doctor thinks it's because I have trouble absorbing it so she increased the dosage. There are other, rarer, causes of a short luteal phase, so we'll see what happens this cycle.

I did some more research, turns out clo.mid and h.c.g is a treatment for LPD because sometimes the body fakes ovulation and for all intents and purposes it looks like ovulation occurred and progestrone is produced, but it may in fact not have occurred.

Oh well, here's hoping this cycle works out.

This cycle in fertility.news

So this month the doctor put me on 6 days of clo.mid and then a shot of h.c.g to make me ovulate. The doctor also wanted to do a sp.erm.wash, which I declined for this cycle, but I'm feeling rather pressured about doing it, and I don't exactly have the funds for it with DH having been laid off almost 2 months ago. I however did do a budget to see if we could manage to live on my salary and have his employee insurance benefits go to the savings account for emergencies. It's possible if I don't take into account saving anything for known quarterly or annual expenses.

Anyway back to ttc'ing. So I know I have an issue with a short luteal phase, I don't think I need the drugs for hyper ovulation or the wash, but they are pressuring me to do it next month. We'll see what happens when I decline to do it. The other thing is last cycle the drugs to lengthen my luteal phase didn't work quite as expected, if the same thing occurs this month, then I want them to fix the known issue rather than trying to help me conceive faster, because otherwise I'm just throwing away money if the luteal phase isn't long enough to support a pregnancy.

So now I'm in the 2 week wait (2ww). Testing on Friday April 10, I think I'll take that day off work, I could use a break anyway.

Grocery Shopping

I went grocery shopping yesterday, seems I only go every 2 weeks, but it surely feels like weekly. Maybe if I went weekly I wouldn't have food spoil on me :)

Anyway I made a list of things I would like to eat and then bought groceries accordingly, although when I went to the store, surprise surprise other things not on my list ended up in my cart, and I don't have children.

I thought I'd share what I'm going to make over the next 2 weeks some for dinner, some for lunch:
No Pasta lasagna - Cook yourself Thin (uses zucchini for layering)
Easy cheeseburger pie - Kraft Foods
Quiche from 2007's Milk calendar - real crust though, not the cracker crumbs from the calendar
Slow cooker beef stew on garlic and sour cream mashed potatoes (yummy cooked with red wine).
Mongolian Beef
Pork and green beans in an olive mustard sauce or maybe oyster sauce (asian dish)
Easy chicken wraps (chicken cooked with salsa, add cheese, green onion to wrap and microwave) then add veggies (peppers, lettuce, tomato etc)
Chicken with red peppers and kale or spinach with vodka rose sauce on penne
Coconut pie (it will be the first pie I have ever made)

Now, you may have noticed there are only 6 main dishes here, likely they will last the weeks until I go grocery shopping again.

Fertility - The first visit

Today was my first visit with the new doctor.

I had an ultrasound and a sonogram, and 13 vials of blo.od withdrawn. Hubby had a few vials done too.

The ultra was fine, the sono was crampy (worst cramps I've ever had, but I admit, I'm very lucky in that respect, I only gets semi-noticeable cramps 2 or 3 cycles a year). The sono, if I understood correctly, showed that the fluid wasn't highlighting something in the left corner (not sure if it was the tube or the uterus), so they kept pushing more fluid in (5 times), eventually it was highlighted (yay?) Sorry I can't seem to get too excited about that it was very uncomfortable, I'm sure I'll be estatic if I get pregnant this cycle.

Ssorry mom I won't know in time for your birthday although that would be a great present for your milestone year!

Anyway I start cycle monitoring on Monday. Apparently I should expect an unltrasound and blood work every visit while cycle monitoring. Hey at least I'll know I'm about to ovulate hence the best time to conceive.

For now, I need to check some tax data so I know how much more I should contribute to RRSPs.

I Dare You

So I'm kind of bored, and I thought I would put together a list of things I should try in my lifetime that would challenge me. Then I thought, who better to challenge me than my invisible internet friends. So, I could only think of 2 rules to the challenges:
1) Not illegal
2) Not against my morals

So to start things off I give you 3 items from my list
1) Go parasailing (like behind a boat, I'm not sure what it's called when it's on a tow line)
2) Go hang gliding
3) Take at least 2 singing lessons

So hit me with some ideas.

Confessions

I have a confession to make. Over the last year I've been using work, reading and food as an escape from my feelings about trying to conceive. Most especially since September, which was the 1 yr annniversary of my miscarriage (I wrote "the" first rather than "my").

So for the last 2 weeks I've been tracking how much time I really spend working, and I don't get overtime for it. I was planning on doing it for the month. This is what a typical day looks like:

5:30 am hit snooze three times, take temperature for graphing BBT
6:00 get out of bed, wash, dress
6:30 prepare breakfast, check temperature and work email
7:00 Dry hair do makeup put on socks
7:10 pack bag for work
7:15 leave house, drop hubby at station, Drake at daycare (M,W,F only), go to work
8:00-8:15 arrive work (depends on traffic and if Drake is going to daycare)
4:30-5:30 leave work (depends on the day how late I leave, and if Drake's at daycare or not, I leave earlier when he's not)
5:00-6:00 Pick up Drake (if hubby arriving within 40 minutes pick him up from station). If waiting do work at the station.
If Drake's not at daycare I go home first to let him out to pee, and then I'll wait for hubby to call to pick him up from the station, I'll work during that time, which is typically from 5-6:30.
6:30 Typical time to pick up hubby
6:45 Home, change clothes make dinner
7:30 Eat dinner
8 onwards more work, I'll stop anywhere between 9:30 and midnight
Read until I feel tired enough to go to sleep, which is typically between 12 and 1:30. Now you know why I hit snooze three times in the morning.

By the end of the week I'm typically going to bed to read after dinner and may fall asleep between 9 and 9:30, but then I'll wake up at 3:30 or 4, at least I don't work until my normal wake up time :)

This continues on the weekend too, any time I'm not sleeping, eating or reading, then I'm working.

So instead of working after I get home or first thing in the morning, or weekends, I've made 2 lists of other things I can do, but I need some help.

I'm going to give you list 2 first, because it's list 1 I need help with.

List 2: Other things I can do
Clean
Tidy
Organize/purge stuff
Dust
Vacuum
Pay Bill

List 1: Stuff I can do for me
Manicure, pedicure, eyebrows, facial
Shop
Workout
Bake
Eat Healthy
Read
Walk Drake
Blog
Needlepoint, quilt, sew
Listen to music, sing, dance

I need more things that make me happy, but I'm having a little trouble coming up with things that make me happy. It's getting a little easier. I've always liked crafts ever since I was little. Music and dancing is my stress relief that I used in university. I'd like to do some redecorating but I'm not sure if that belongs on list 1 or 2, I suppose if I made a very concise list of what I want, then I could shop for it and put it on list 2.

Although hubby and I were planning to go to Italy after tax time, part of me thinks I should go south, because last year I was going to try something new every month and parasailing behind a boat was one of those things (as was snow tubing and horse back riding for the year, I did do the horseback riding).

So any ideas of things I should try on weekend or evening rather than working?

Finally a date

February 19 2009.

That's the date I go see the specialist and start with assessing my current health, I'm not sure if they'll do any kind of diagnostic reproductive testing on this date, that would be nice, get the ball rolling a little faster, I hate waiting.

To be honest, I hate the idea of going to see a specialist for diagnostic testing to see if there are any reasons I'm not getting pregnant again, because sometimes I just don't like the idea of asking for help, and feel like a bit of a failure that I'm not getting pregnant easily. But I guess that's a common feeling in women trying to conceive. I keep trying to remind myself that although in total we've been trying for 18 cycles, those cycles have been broken up over a 2 year period and any individual length of time is not very long (3, 5, 3, 7) I just keep thinking of the 27 months it's been and the 34 months I've been wanting to conceive. OK that's just depressing, so I'm going to stop blogging now.

Happy New Year

The last year has been very difficult for me. I've decided that I'm going to let everything go. I've no plans to do any of the following:

• Get Organizated/clean more
• Be a better person or wife
• Work harder

The only plan I have is at the end of the day, no matter how much I feel I've failed at any of my own expectations of myself, there must be at least one thing I can think of that I can be proud of, and if not I can spend 5 minutes doing something to be proud of.

To be or not to be

I'm thinking about unplugging, taking down my facebook account, linked in, blog, and personal email address. I'd even consider transferring my personal cell phone and all it's time to someone else if they needed it.

There, linked in is gone.
Now facebook.

That was kind of freeing, if my blog disappears you know why.

Hey hey hey bye bye

Yay vacation, very very very much needed vacation. I've been working incredibly long hours the last 2 weeks, and now I'm taking a week of lieu time, so I still have 3 weeks of vacation to use this year, I guess I'll be carrying it over again and next year I'll have 6 weeks to take :)

So looking at the title of the post? Wondering what's gone? Jenn knows, though she hasn't seen yet. I'll give you a hint...a foot. Do you know yet? No? I cut my hair, about a foot has gone bye bye. hehehehe, it was so much fun to go to work the next day, or tell my mom I had a hair cut on the Friday when she asked what I'd been doing and mentioned I "trimmed" it. She likes short hair so she was happy.

Hub's and I bought a new TV for our anniversary, Sony LCD Z Series, so the old one is coming up to the living room (not the new one, he watches TV too late and too loudly for me to sleep, he laughs really loud at the late night shows on Com.edy net.work). So since we got a new TV, I need a TV stand for the old one, so to Ik.ea we went. The old TV stand had to have the shelves removed to hold the new TV, so we also needed more media storage, and since we're having it delivered might as well add another bookcase for that ever expanding book collection. I also (hopefully) got a matching Po.ang chair for the existing one the dog likes to sleep in. A new cover too, so that I can replace the one Drake sleeps in with a clean one when...er if...we have company.

OK, so off to watch a movie on Zed.

Sugar Free

Lately I've been coming across a few posts and articles about removing sugar from one's diet. I remember the last couple of times I removed sugar, empty calorie and fatty foods from my diet. I felt a lot better and had more energy, but it takes more planning and commitment than I'm prepared to do again. So for the last week I've been removing just sugar from my diet, I'm not completely without sugar, I just aknowledge that if there's something I'm intending to eat that contains sugar, I remind myself that it does and how that seems to affect my attitude.

I have noticed the last 2 or 3 days that my energy level and attitudes are improved over the previous month, when I felt lethargic and apathic about almost everything. It could just be a response to taking control of something and doing it for myself than the actual removal of sugar.

Yesterday I had a completely sugar fee day, today I had one spoon in my coffee, but that's all. Tomorrow we'll try for another sugar free day. The one thing about cutting sugar is the withdrawal. In the evenings I would wander around the kitchen looking for a little something to eat. I wasn't hungry, I wanted something sugary, and we don't have a lot of sugary foods in the house (only ones hubby likes and I either don't mind or don't like, so they aren't as much of a temptation). I'd keep popping little things in my mouth and wanting more because whatever it was, it wasn't sugar and the craving continued. I consider myself fortunate that the withdrawal for me typically only lasts about 1/2 a day where going cold turkey is really hard, apparently it can last up to a week for some people. For me it starts around 2 or 3 pm on an average work day and last for the remainder of the day (i.e. bedtime), so I go to bed early :) I'm fine the next day, or if I'm still craving is is so much reduced from the previous night that it's not noticeable to me.

So you might be seeing more sugar free posts from me in the near future, I want to chronical how I feel to encourage myself not to go back to eating sugar regularly.

Been awhile

It's been awhile since I last posted, that's because I have nothing to say, I still don't.

Today hubby and I went to breakfast and Drake was naughty at home, he tore up a plastic bag, took my running shoe to the basement, tore up a facial tissue, tried to eat a bag of ginger snap cookies and barfed on the basement carpet (which strangely is the nicest carpet in the house). Hubby found it, so I'm letting him clean it up, all the way up. Apparently it came off the carpet with no stain, but I told him we should probably wash it anyway. So he asked me if we had cleaner other than the rug doctor stuff (nope) so I told him to just mix the rug doctor with water and there's a rag and a scrub brush in the laundry room. So he's cleaning it, hehehehehe. Makes me happy as I usually get that job because 90%+ of the time I find the mess.

Friday I took the day off, just because, it was really hard to entertain myself for the whole day while everyone else was at work. Sometime this week I'll re-highlight my hair as the roots annoy me. Nothing else is new, I'm just waiting for a change at work on the systems to get to my steps of the process (supposedly between 2 and 4pm, unless they are late in delivery). I have another one next weekend.

Hmmm, I've been thinking about my goals lately, I'd like to redo the flooring in the main part of the house, so I'm saving up money, I figure 5K-7K aught to do it. I'd like to put down a darker laminate than I have today (it's currently blonde laminate). I'm still debating between a reddish colour and chocolate/ebony colour. I like the darker tone, but not everyone likes it soo dark, and we plan to sell within 5 years, maybe less, then again life can change a lot in 5 years and we might not be able to move at all, so maybe I should get what would make me happy :)

Here's what the floor currently looks like:



And 4 options I'm think of
1)


2)


3)


4)

Commercials

So yesterday as hubby and I were driving home from the bookstore I heard a minivan commercial where they were offering $10,000 back from the purchase. 10K! They also mention how that buys a lot of gas (a lot of car comercials mention money back and gas these days). So I did a little math in my head of how much I spend on gas, and how long 10K would last for gas. I used to spend $200 a month, it's now about $250, that's $2400 to $3000 per annum, so 3 to 4 years and I've spent 10K on gas (holy cr**!) so I figure a minivan uses more gas, so a tank in a minivan should take me as far as a tank in my car. The tank size of the minivan is 60% larger than my car, so I should be spending 60% more on gas i.e. $3800 to $4800 or take between 2 to 2.5 years to spend $10K on gas! I tell you, I wanted to get rid of my car immediately, take into account that between parking, gas, repairs and insurance, I'm spending currently $7000 per year maintaining the vehicle. So I looked up bus fare, in 2 cities since we're considering moving. Current city it's $175 + $38 = $213 (or $2556 per year) target city is $109 (or $1308 per year). Even if I add another 2K per year for taxis, I'm still saving at least $2k in either city over using the car. Dang I want to chuck the car bad, it's just so darn convenient in my current city at least, I'll have to make a list of what I want to be near if we move into our target city.

Pictures

With and without my glasses. Posting for a limited time only . I got it cut on the 28th (just the post was written sooner but sat in draft mode for 2 weeks.) OK so the parts that look red in the picture are actually closer to blonde.

Time's up, pics removed.

How lucky are you?

Do you ever think about how lucky you are? I do, not a lot, but every few years I think about how lucky I am to be placed where I've been placed, simply from an accident of birth. I've been thinking about that today.

I found a grid of global population by age and sex, about 268,000 people alive today were born the same day I was. Probably 300,000 people where born the day I was born (taking into account mortality rates). I had originally calculated the percentage of people in North America and earning a middle class income or better giving me a 2.5% chance of being born as fortunately as I was, but it would be higher than that as there are lots of other wealthy countries I could have been born into. Still, I'm pretty fortunate. I believe I have a responsibility to humanity to help others because I can, but what to do? There are so many choices. I think some of the first things I need to choose though are to look to the needs of others before my own comforts, do I really need that piece of pie? Could not the $2-3 it costs be put to better use? What about that new item? Do I really need more clutter in my life? More things?

In other news, I got a haircut and highlights, can I just say something meekly? That although it was more than I intended to spend...I feel pretty, so it was worth every penny.

Happy Mother's Day

To all the mother's out there Happy Mother's Day.

Things I know about my mom:

1. That she's always there for me, and even though I'm married and living away from the home I grew up in, she still worries, just a little, if she calls me and I don't call back that day.
2. When she got so mad at my little brother for calling her his maid that he was sent to his room. Mother's are not employees of their children, no matter how much some company says a stay at home mom should be paid in monetary funds. They are paid in the unconditional love of their children.
3. Despite how much I love my mom, not even if I think there is nothing she could do to make me withhold that love, she loves me infinitely more. A love I won't fully comprehend unless I have a child to care for, that I am to teach and love and help grow up into a responsible adult.
4. No matter how old I get, how many children I have, what I accomplish or don't in my lifetime, I will always be her little girl and she'll always be proud of me.
5. My mom will always be my mom, she can't be replaced with another. When she's gone no other woman would fill her shoes in my life. Other women might be mentors, supporters, friends, confidants, care givers, but not my mom because they can no longer fulfill item #3 in my life.

Happy Mother's Day mom.

Kim

The Trip

We're home, we have been for just over a week now. Here's a synopsis of our trip to London.

April 7 4pm arrive at airport
April 8 10am check into hotel room in London, freshen up leave bags and head down to Kensington park to look around. We walk south through the park seeing various statues and stop at the Diana Memorial. Grab a lunch at the local cafe and head west and then north back through the park and see the Albert memorial. Go back to the hotel room for a little sleep and then out to dinner.
April 9 we went to the Science Museum and the Natural History museum. The large museum's in London are free, which is really great.
April 10 Try to see the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace, it's only done on alternate days, today is not the day, oh well. So we head to Westminster chapel and have a look around there, then head to the Parliment buildings and big Ben, and go to the London Aquarium
April 11 Go to Harrod's and Oxford Street
April 12 See MI5 and MI6
April 13 Go to the Tower of London and spend the whole day there
April 14 Go on the London Eye, see Westminster Cathedral
April 15 Decide to go to the wax museum, but it's 25 pounds per person, do the conversion and for $110 dollars decide I don't want to see it that much, so we go to Sherlock Holmes' house nearby, then souvenir shopping for family.
April 16 Fly home

I know there was other stuff we did, but I can't remember now, or at least can't remember which day, and I don't guaratee the above is correct.

I don't have many pictures on the camera, and they are currently on hubby's computer not mine to post. Maybe I'll get around to it.

The last couple of days have been tough, the due date was either Saturday the 19th or Monday the 21st of our baby. Saturday I had a good cry, Monday I was distracted by being back at the office and my brother's 1 year wedding anniversary. I expect the next few weeks will be hard, especially Mother's Day, and then August/September will probably be hard again as anniversaries of the miscarriage come around. Please don't comment about being pregnant again soon, hubby wants to pursue his dreams, so it means waiting 1 to 3 years before trying again, I find that very depressing, especially seeing as I've already waited 2 years and we've stopped trying twice now for this dream.

My bro's having a potluck for his one year anniversary, they've invited over both sides of the family, so that will be really nice. I'm bringing a cheese tray and mongolian beef with noodles (pretty much steak strips in a black bean and garlic sauce with sweet bell peppers, it's hubby's favourite meal right now). Speaking of which I should go make sure I have all the ingredients I need, ta.

Cleanup

I'm doing those things one does before they travel:
Updating the booking info
Getting the house super clean for the neighbours to check on it while we're out
Getting the dog's stuff together
Laundry
Packing
Updating flight check-in info
Printing e-tickets
Aggregating all travel docs together for easy access
Maps documenting where all the things are that we want to do in London

Well my vacuum stopped again (needing the dust cleaned out, because I forgot to do that first, so I best get back to the tidying up and cleaning.

Spring time? Not here.

I long for spring, green grass, pretty flowers, warm bright sunshiny days and mostl importantly no more snow. The first evidence I've seen so far is the bright sunshine we've had over the last week, but the snow hasn't melted yet. In the mean time I have holiday plans for traveling, yay, I'm very excited. It's our second big trip as a couple. Today I purchased a dress and a top for the trip, which to most might not be a big deal, but I typically don't wear dresses and this one even contains hot pink as a colour (I normally wear dark earty colours), maybe I'll take a picture later and post it.

Drake will be off to boarding at daycare, at least I know he'll be happy there, he'll probably be exhausted after our trip, heck he might even prefer to stay at daycare it's so much fun there.

Tomorrow, Cora's for breakfast, yummy, and they are opening one near us soon, that's very exciting news too, I really should go check the projected date for the grand opening. Also get my hair cut tomorrow, it's long overdue, it's been 4 months since my last hair cut and 7 months since I last coloured it (which I'll do next week).

Doggie Daycare

Some of you may know that we take our dog to daycare 3 times a week. DH and I work about an hour from home (he slight more than an hour, me slightly less), and we work long days, so typically we're away from the house for at least 10 hours, usually 11 hours though. I feel bad for the dog because he doesn't eat or drink during that time so that he doesn't have to go to the bathroom, we're also tired when we get home, so he doesn't get a lot of long walks to burn off the energy from sleeping all day. So Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays Drake goes to daycare and plays with lots of other dogs in the playroom all day (he even has a little lunch pail for some kibbles cause he's working up an appetite). The ladies at the daycare tell me about his little friends and his girlfriends at daycare that he plays with, there's Buddy the boxer, Summer and Taffy the goldens etc.

Tonight when I went to pick up Drake from daycare (yes he went 2 days in a row), the young lady at the counter asked me if I noticed if he was extra tired last night. I hadn't but apparently my DH had. So anyway since we couldn't get out of Drake why he was so tired she informed me of how he spent all day Wednesday fulfilling most men's primary fantasy. Yes dear internets, he was in a three.some, apparently today Drake had her all to himself, but was apparently a little worn out from yesterday.

So now I have to wonder when the ladies at day care mention Drake's little girlfriends. And I know why he gets so excited when I turn the corner towards daycare, and I so naively thought it was because of the daycare ladies paying attention to him and he getting to play all day with other dogs.

Good thing Drake's fixed or we'd have a lot of puppy support to do. Daddy's thrilled to know his "little dude" as DH calls Drake has gotten to experience safe relationships with other female dogs, he was concerned that after being fixed Drake would not get the opportunity.

This didn't come out quite as funny as the talk with hubby about Drake's escapades at daycare, but I was trying to use clean language and innuendo so as not to be picked up by a bunch of search engine results. Maybe we should drop the "D" from the dog's name...

The 11th province vs the 51st state

Lately I've been hearing advertisement on Canadian radio stations for Florida tourism, billing the southern state as Canada's 11th province. Out of curiosity I decided to visit the website to see if it was a particular company, or if the advertising was sponsored by state sponsored tourism. Looks pretty offical to me, the footer says that the site is the "Official Florida Tourism Industry Marketing Corporation" you can visit the site at sunshineprovince.com. I wonder if there are any other states billing themselves as the 11th province to Canadians to promote tourism, and I wonder how Americans feel about that.

Personally every once in awhile I hear someone expounding upon Canada being the 51st state, and personally I really don't like that. I'm a proud Canadian, I love my country, I get teary eyed when I hear the national anthem, and though I love my American friends, I don't want to be the 51st state. Going through Wikipedia and Google links most references to Canada or any other country being termed the 51st state is usually used either in jest to indicate the influx of American culture to the country or well not in a positive context and I'll let you go and research it.

So what are your thoughts on states billing themselves as the 11th province to promote the state?

Goals - January

So not exactly taking it one day at a time to talk about a whole months worth of goals here, but I didn't think you'd want to read that many posts ;)

I've decided to add once a week a good habit to my routine. This week it was going to the gym to work out once.

Since I'd like to get back onto a healthy diet and exercise regime, I've also decided that my weight loss goals would be small, 5 pounds every other month. For example in Jan I'd like to lose 5 pounds, then maintain that loss in Feb, lose 5 more in March and maintain the total 10 pound loss through April etc until I reach a weight I can maintain (and if that's the weight I am right now, then I'll have to learn to accept that).

Starting Monday, I'd like to add a daily 15 minute walk about to tidy up the house every night, now I've had that on my list before, but it didn't stick, so we'll try again in the coming week.

I've started using my composter more, so I'd like to add another environmental goal, I just have to think about it...maybe taking public transit to work once a week? Bring a coffee cup to work? Limit prepared foods to ones where the entire package is recyclable or reusable? Limit prepared foods (including meals out) to no more than 3 meals per week? Well I have lots of options for months to come anyway.

Visit The Lazy Organizer for more SMART Habits

New Year's Resolutions

Being that time of year again, I've actually spent a little time pondering my new year's resolution for 2008. I've decided this year will be the year of making a difference.

Like many, I wish for world peace and harmony at Christmas, but honesty, what do I really do to promote that? If I'm not willing to compromise and sacrifice on an individual level, then how can I expect it of the world as a whole? Answer, I can't.

I also wish for my life to leave an impact on the world, be it large or small, but unless I'm willing to take the time or acknowledge making the effort, then I'm likely to feel unsatisfied. I do believe that we all make an impact on the world, daily, just we fail mostly to acknowledge what that impact is (large, small, good, bad, neutral). I want to be more conscientious of the impact of my daily decisions, and to do more things that I want to do to make a difference.

Here are somethings I'm thinking of for making an impact.
Environmental:
Be better about using and managing my compost bin
Get that hot water heater blanket
Look into replacing the furnace with a more efficient one

Helping others:
Get Drake certified as a therapy dog so that he can go to long term care hospitals and centres to brighten the lives of the sick.
Volunteer, donate

Whew - first week back

I've been very busy this week catching up at work after having taken a week off, and it pretty much feels like I need, make that **NEEEEEEED**, a vaction again.

I've almost finished Christmas shopping, I just have to get hubby something, I'm debating getting him something off his wishlist, but many of the items are hard to find locally and usually need to be ordered online (I got 5 of them for his b-day last week). So if you could give me some hints for good hubby presents. He like video games, but he wants the XBOX 360 next, not a Wii, so we have to wait for the new chip on the 360 first. He's into sci-fi & alternate history for reading (i.e. William Gibson and Harry Turtledove). He like geeks toys. He's not hard to shop for and he's pretty vocal about what he likes, you just have to order it all rather than going to the store, and I'd like it to be a surprise. I've debated making him something, but I'm not sure what I'd like to make. Hubby is not handy or into do it yourself projects, so nothing like that would do. Any ideas?

Vacation Week - Thursday

I woke up late again today, 8:20 because hubby reminded me that we had to finish putting out the recycling before the collector comes. I don't have any big plans for today, mostly just lazing around the house. Maybe I'll do some cleaning today, get rid of those cobwebs I just saw coming down the stairs this morning.

On another note, last night I was reviewing my BBTs pre m/c because I felt I was ovulating a little late this month. Looking back I was ovulating before around day 16 and menstruating around day 21-23, so I have a very short luteal phase, or at least I did during the summer when I was last tracking my temperatures. My cycle was longer last month but I wasn't tracking my temperature for that cycle, so we'll have to see how long this cycle is, I'm thinking about going to buy B6 vitamins to help lengthen the luteal phase. Yes, I am now aware that a short luteal phase makes pregnancy difficult as you start your period often before implantation can occur and if it does occur you menstrate soon after effectively causing a miscarriage. So I should go to see my doctor for my annual check up in March, by then I should have 3-4 cycles tracked so we can see if my luteal phase really is short, or if that was just a symptom of coming off birth control.

Vacation Week - Wednesday

Today will be a busier day, Drake's off to daycare again and we're having breakfast with hubby's parents (dim sum).

Hubby wants to go downtown, so I'll be dropping him off and then going shopping more locally for Christmas presents again. After that I'll head home and try to finish this course of mine so that I can take the final exam either Friday or on the weekend.

More to come later.

Breakfast was nice, then I went shopping at Fairview (hubby went downtown on the subway). Although I was intending to buy Christmas presents, instead I bought bras for myself, then I found a new winter coat at Melanie Lyne (red) and since I was there and there was this great red suit, I bought that too. So much for Christmas presents, maybe tomorrow.

Now I'm off to study my course until hubby comes home.

Vacation Week - Tuesday

Today is hubby's birthday, so at midnight I gave him his prezzies, we decided to open one of them, some books from Indigo that he had on his wishlist. Since I woke up late yesterday I didn't go to sleep until about 2am, and I didn't sleep very well, my neck is achy today. Hubby tried to wake me up at 9:30 and gave up by 10, the snoring pup wake me cause he's so cute and I got out of bed at 11.

This morning I woke up at 11, and since it's so close to lunch I decided to just have OJ and coffee for breakfast and I'll have salad or leftovers for lunch. It snowed again last night a couple of inches, so good thing we bought a new shovel (sorry mom, maybe I'll take one off your hands anyway so we can both shovel the driveway).

I spent the afternoon playing with the dog and watching TV, we went out to dinner at Spring Rolls, while out we visited Best Buy and hubs picked up a copy of Terminator 2 for $7 and BattleStar Gallactica: Razor which was released on DVD today.

All in all a quieter day for hubby's birthday.

Vacation Week - Monday

I figured I haven't blooged in a while, so I would bring to you a week of blogging about what I did on my winter vaction ;)

I woke up late around 10am. Hubs and I took Drake to daycare and then went to breakfast at Cora's. I had a raspberry Begian waffle, yummy.

Then off to Markville to do some Christmas and birthday shopping. I purchased my brother's birthday present (it's on the 20th) and perused a number of stores looking for prezzies for mom, bro, SIL and hubs. Hubs bought track pants (sweat pants).

Hubs and I skipped lunch, because well we were still full from breakfast and went home. Once home he shovelled the driveway and broke the scoop portion of the shovel right in half.

We had a nap from 4 to 5 then went to Lick's for burgers for dinner at 5:30. We picked up Drake from daycare and then went to Canadian tire, Home Depot and Canadian Tire again looking for a snow shovel.

I finished the laundry, dusted the main floor while listening to bodyrockers, read a comic book and watched Heroes (which cut their season short due to the writers strike).

And I didn't look at my work email at all, although I did think about it. I have to submit some receipts at work by Friday and it turns out I will have to go in to do it because the tool doesn't work over VPN at home. I also have to finish an online course I'm taking for work by the 12th, so I'll be doing that this week too.

Voila

So here's the new bathroom (sorry I forgot to take before pics and the ones we had from the purchase of the house are lost).

The vanity:



The tub:




The picture from the manufacturer, because it's almost the same and they had a professional photographer :) (Copyright Vanico-maronyx)



I took a picture of me, but it looked like I have an even larger spare tire than I think I do and I wish to remain in denial.

Finishing Touches Day

So today the master bath should be finished. Mom and I are putting on the final coat of paint, and so long as I can paint the trim and I don't wear out the bathroom (minus the shower curtain) will be finished. I suppose I should go pick up a tension road from Canadian Tire for the shower curtain so we can use the upstairs shpwer tomorrow morning.

New Stuff

Time for a new post I'm tired of looking at the last one!

It was another release weekend this week, it went very well and pretty quick (3 hours). My project was pulled from the release on Wendesday as we were not comfortable with the robustness of the new infrastructure and technologies we were implementing. So we're now intending to deploy in January so I'm updating the documentation to indicate the current state and since we have 3 more months adding detail to functionality that was descoped due to lack of detail and time.

I think this week the contractor is going to come to redo our master bathroom which has been in a state of disrepair for 2 years, I guess I should take some before and after photos for all of you. One thing though, I primed it in order to repaint and never repainted, so the cover plates are off all the lights and plugs, etc. Just a warning for the before photos :)

Are you excited? I'm excited just writing about my first major home reno (the biggest one I've done to date is replacing the handles on the kitchen cupboards, and I still haven't finished that).

The return - TMI

OK, not so finished Friday, if you don't like bloodily fluids stop reading now.

It all started up again on Saturday, went to the hospital as I passed out from blood loss. They brought my blood pressure back up and I stopped passing blood and clots on my own, but since it was 11pm the OB/GYN wanted to see me in the hospital the next day for a potential D&C. Well Sunday I didn't have any issues, so they sent me home. Monday of course I started bleeding heavily again, so I was back in emerg, which was packed and it took 8 hours to see a doctor. Strangely when I finally got to see another OB/GYN when she checked me out I had stopped bleeding again, so she was going to send me home, but before she did she wanted to check the size of my uterus, which was tiny she said and I bleed all over her and the table, so she decided I was bleeding and she did the first exam again and decided on an immediate D&C and more blood tests to see where my hemoglobin count was (it dropped from 107 to 79 in the 6 hours between test, so no wonder I was dizzy and weak, the normally value for a woman is 115).

Anyway, the D&C is pretty quick, they wheeled me out of ER at 12:30 and I woke up in the post op at 1:20 and pretty lucid, although I got sleepy again when they were wheeling me to my room, I stayed overnight due to my weakened state.

I'm home now recovering, still weak and headachy. Today hubby and my inlaws stayed, tomorrow, my hubby is going into work late and coming home early and my inlaws will stay with me in the intervening time. I hope my mom doesn't read this before I get to talk to her, I didn't want to let her know what was going on on Saturday until they made a decision, Sunday morning she left for a short vacation, forgive me mom the docs didn't know what to do with me until Monday night, well technically Tuesday morning.

It is finished

Well at least I hope it is. Since Saturday I've been spotting very lightly, yesterday it finally got a little heavier with cramping, but then went away. Today though, the cramps were strong and the bleeding heavy. Strangely, I only feel relief that it's finally resolved, not grief or remorse, I expect that will come in time. For now, I shall relax and be thankful that it was quick and not as emotionally draining as I expected it might be. Tomorrow is another day, and when the emotions flow I'll deal with it then and not wonder why I'm not a basket case now, hopefully, I'll remember that I was thankful to God that I'm not a basket case,

What's new pussycats? Whoa oh oh oh oh

I guess ya'll would like an update? Hmmm? Maybe? Maybe not?

So in my last update I had shots to terminate a potentially ectopic pregnancy (they think that 1 out of 4 ultrasounds showed a mass on my left ovary).

Anyway, my horomone levels at the time were 9K (on Wednesday the 29th). Tested again on Saturday (19K), Tuesday (20K), Friday (19K). Monday I went to see the doctor in the hospital and he wanted more tests to see where we were at so he could determine a course of action, since my hormone levels were steady, not dropping or rising (I'm 8 weeks now I suppose). So we did, he was on call, so I guess he had to go deliver a baby, so he writes the results and next steps in my file and gives it to the nurse to tell me. The results? "Ultrasound looks normal, come back to hospital Friday for more blood work".

So what does that mean any? I'd take it as positive, but well they did give me a nice chemical cocktail to end the pregnancy, so maybe "ultrasound looks normal" means nothing on the ovary and development of the embryo stopped somewhere around 6.5 to 7 weeks (i.e. soon after the shots), so expect HCG levels to drop and miscarriage to start? No ask to make a doctor's appointment after the blood work Friday, tough, he's getting a visit anyway. Either Friday or Monday or the next time one of them is in the office.

Tests, Tests and more tests

So had more tests on Wednesday, not good. The doctor found a mass on my left ovary and although he's not sure, we're treating our pregnancy as ectopic just to be safe. So last night I had shots that cause the termination of the pregnancy and I have to have follow-up blood work and doctor appointments for the next 3 weeks to make sure my hormone levels drop (because this method only works in 75-90 percent of cases).

I'm feeling better today, I didn't sleep very well, so hubby took me out for brunch which has me in a better mood now.

I'm taking the rest of the week off work and I think I'll go read a book now.

Results

So my hormone levels are up again, a good increase of 3700+ to 5500+ the radiologist can't see an ectopic embryo in the ultrasound either. Until I can see the OB/Gyn next week I'm going to go with positive thinking that we're a go, although high risk and I'll likely be closely monitored.

I'm in shock, so I don't have anything more to say and I think I'll go relax now.

Where have I been?

I haven't felt much like blogging lately, too busy and tired, then dejected, now disappointed.

For the first couple of weeks of August I was too tired.
Since mid August I've been feeling dejected.
Aug 19 things changed. I started spotting mid cycle, not unusual, but it was bright red. Since DH and I are trying to conceive I decided to take a pregnancy test, ya, it was positive. So all week I've been going to the hospital for a variety of tests so the doctor can determine just what is going on so he can determine his course of action. He believes I'll miscarry (I don't disagree, and I'm OK with that), right now he wants to make sure it's not an ectopic pregnancy. So anyway, it's been a quiet and hectic week, so I'm taking Friday off to do tests and then the afternoon as a brain break, I always feel more emotional after the test results.

Maybe I'll blog more about the results tomorrow.

SMART Habits Saturday - Aug 4

So it's Saturday and time to develop another habit, please go to Lara's blog to join in.

Last week went terribly for my new habits, not a one of them was followed. So this week should probably be a follow my habits week.

Previous SMARTs

15 Minute Walkabout Nope none at all

15 Minutes with God also not good this week, does Friday's post count?

2 days/week extra curricular activities Nope none at all

Control Freak I forgot entirely

15 Minute Fridays - August 3

Yesterday I had networking problems, so I could get my post up.

John 3: 1-36

This week in chapter 3 of John 2 things are covered, Nicodemus visiting Jesus and learning that to be part of the world to come he must be born of water and spirit. The second being John the baptist teaching his own disciples about who Jesus is, and that all should follow him.

I wonder what Nicodemus wanted to know when he came to Jesus. He came to Jesus acknowledging Jesus being a great teacher and obviously loved and acknowledged by God because of the miracles he can perform. I think Nicodemus came to Jesus with questions to ask about the Law. Nicodemus was a member of the ruling council. The council decided Jewish matters in Jerusalem and were a moral authority. I guess they are a lot like the Pope and his cardinals in deciding what the correct interpretation of scripture for all Catholics. I could see why Nicodemus would have questions, that's quite a burden, and it's been along time since there's been a teacher touched by God to correct the paths of His people.

What kind of questions would you ask Jesus if you had the shared responsibility of deciding the interpretation of doctrine for all of your country men? I think I would ask Jesus if I was leading His people away from him. I'd ask what needs to be corrected, certainly after 400 years there are corrections to be made. I'd wonder if I've followed God's law correctly. I'd also hope whatever the answer it wasn't too hard to do.

Before Nicodemus can ask a single question, Jesus says to him "I tell you the truth, no one can see the Kingdom of God unless he is born again." I could just imagine myself thinking, but I thought we had to honour God by following rules, what rules have we led God's people to break, have we all broken God's covenant and that's why the Roman's rule us. Have we misplaced some of Moses' writings, there is no mention of being born again in the Law. So Nicodemus asks how to be reborm and Jesus tells him with water and spirit. It took me a while to make some sense of this in my understanding of the Jewish Law and the observances at that time, apparently Nicodemus didn't get it either.

What does being reborn of water and Spirit mean to you?

In terms of the Law (and I'm no expert in it, or accepted opinion of what these teachings mean not having any formal teaching) I see that for water, the Jews had a lot of rules about ceremonial washing, so I could see water as being a renewal of cleanliness and righteousness before God. The Jews also had a lot of rules around ceremonial defilement and the sacrifices required. So water makes my body clean from defilement, and sacrifice makes my soul clean from defilement. I remember reading all the sacrificial items and when individual sacrifices had to be performed, I knew I would never be considered cermonially clean, or at least not for very long following those rules, and that was based just on the nature of my mensus alone during that first reading. If that's even close to what Jesus meant, I guess I could see how Jesus would say to Nicodemus, surely as a teacher of the Law and interpretter of when and how to wash and sacrifice for removing defilement, and knowing that being defiled you cannot come before God, certainly a teacher of that should understand that to come into the permanent presence of God you need to be renewed by water and Spirit.

Where I'm at right now is trying to understand verse 8 which follows more examples about what reborn means Jesus says "The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." What does this passage mean to you? How do you know if you've been reborn of the Spirit? How does a person, being reborn of the Spirit identify with what Jesus says about the wind?

SMART Habits Saturday

Lara's computer is on the fritz, but I think I'll participate anyway. This week has been a tough one at work, and I'm actually feeling dejected, not much in my control though, but I don't like having to give unwelcome news, or basically tell someone to shape-up. So on to this week, I think I should concentrate on what I can control and let go of the rest. As the prayer goes "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference".

Previous SMARTs
15 Minute Walkabout really bad this week (1/7)
15 Minutes with God also not good this week
2 days/week extra curricular activities 1 of 2, went to work out at the gym on the treadmill, fun but hard to get up the energy to do it. I guess I did 2, if reading counts, I did it as a second...

15 Minute Friday - July 27

So this week I had 2 ideas, the first is related to the book of John. In chapter 2, the wedding at Cana, Jesus turns water into wine. The one thing in this description of Jesus' first recorded miracle in John is how Jesus responds to his mother, here's the passage:

John 2:3-5 When the wine was gone, Jesus' mother said to him, "They have no more wine". "Dear woman, why do you involve me?" Jesus replied. "My time has not yet come." His mother said to the servants, "Do whatever he tells you."

I've tried to imagine Jesus saying this to his mom, and it just seems rude to me. Maybe it's the "dear woman" translation, it seems very formal and distant to me. I decided to look up the words as I am likely adding my own tone based on my own time and culture. Dear refers to something of value, precious and near to your heart, at least this is the interpretation I wish to allocate. So that would then mean dear woman is an endearment of a son for his mother. I wonder at why Jesus' mother involves him and why he thinks his time has not yet come. Maybe his mom sees something he doesn't. There's not mention of Jesus having disciples previously in his life, and in 3 days time he now has 5. Maybe people had wanted to learn from him before, but he discouraged them from following and now he was accepting them. I think this needs more pondering.

The second thing I was thinking about is the Lord's Prayer, have you ever really thought about it? It really blows my mind. For instance, it begins 'Our Father'. I tried to fathom that, so I tried to calculate the volume of space that 6 billion pennies would occupy, so I guesses at the width and diameter of a pennie and figured out how many would fit in house I grew up in. (The house is 1800+ sqft and I just used a volume of 100ft x 50ft x20ft. Anyway, if my calculations were correct, 6 billion pennies would fill that volume 33 times, that just astounded me. And to think of knowing and being able to identify each penny uniquely, and we're a lot more complex than a penny.

The second line "Who art in heaven" I tried to conceptualize heaven. I used to think of heaven as somewhere further out in the universe, and I still default to this. But heaven isn't within our universe, it's outside it, because the universe is God's creation not His living space, just as I don't exist within something that I might create. I don't think I spend enough time thinking about heaven, I wonder how my attitudes and values might change if I did spend more time thinking about heaven.

I'm still working on the third line "Hallowed be thy name". What it means for God's name to be holy, what does holy mean? I turned to my dictionary again for this and looked up hallowed, which has 2 definitions: to make hold or set appart for holy use; and to respect greatly. Holy means: exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness; devoted entirely to the deity or the work of the deity; having a divine quality. Holiness is a difficult concept for me, the dedication, reverence, respect I see in the old and new testament of the Lord's prophets is foreign to me.

So what have you done this week with God? How do interpret the exchange between Jesus and his mother before his first miracle? What does the Lord's prayer mean to you? Should you think about heaven more?

SMART Habits Saturday - week 3

So last week's habit of spending 15 minutes with prayer and/or bible study every day worked out well, and I've decided to have a regular feature on my own blog of 15 minute Friday's. This past week I've come to realize that if I organized myself into having commited things to do evenings and weekends, I might just work less overtime and feel less stressed and have a healthier work/life balance. Therefore, this week, I will find 2 things I want to commit to for myself during the week.

Visit The Lazy Organizer for more SMART Habits

15 minute walk about not so good 2 days only

15 minutes with God great 6 days

15 Minute Friday

This past week as part of my SMART Habits Saturday I've been working on spending 15 minutes with God every day. That being said and by Jenny V's request I'm going to start 15 minute Fridays.

Every Friday I will post on my week's journey with God and faith. So a travellin I shall go.

For the last few weeks I've been studying the gospel of John. Now a little background on this gospel, it's different from the other 3 in that it's very much about who Jesus is, John the Baptist's testimony of Jesus as Messiah and Godly love and redemption. It's quite often given to people seeking more information about Jesus and Christianity. Now to be quite frank with you, had it been given to me, I might not be a Christian, because I just don't get it, I find it really frustrating so far. I have read this gospel all the way through for an overview, and I'm currently concentrating on Chapter 1. Here's an example of something that frustrates me. One of the questions in my study guide, What did eah of the first 5 disciples find out about Jesus and how did they find out. Now, let's take Philip, Jesus finds Philip in his [Philip's] home town and says to him "Follow me". [John 1:43]. Philip, presumably spends some time with Jesus, although the next couple versus explain where it happened, not what occurred to make Philip a believer and then has Philip running off to find Nathaniel to tell Nate that they have found the one Moses wrote about in the law, and about whom the prophets also wrote [John 1:45]. Nathaniel didn't believe a Messiah could come from Nazareth, but comes to meet Jesus anyway. Jesus says Nate is a true son of Israel and when Nate questions the comment, Jesus says he 'saw' Nate praying under a fig tree before Philip found him. To this Nate replies "Rabbi, you are the Son of God, you are the King of Israel [John 1: 46-49].

Now I try to put myself in their place. If someone asked me to follow them, I'm not sure I would without an explanation, or at least some knowledge gained from my own acquitances of who the person is. So let's say I followed, chances are I'm not going to running off to my friends to tell them the Messiah has been found. And if someone told me they had seen where I was and what I was doing before I came before them, Son of God is certainly not the first thing that comes to mind. I should likely have gotten along much better with the Pharisees.

Now seeing the experience of the first 5 disciples and how they came to believe in Jesus as Messiah, this gospel doesn't explain how seeds were planted or the thought processes of the disciples or what transpired in the intervening hours. I have to wonder, if I were to write out the beginning of my own story, what would it be, what made me cross that line from seeking to believing. If I told you my defining moment of belief, it would probably seem to you, like the first 5 disciples seems to me. So here it is:

Standing in my friend Jon's living room, he playing piano and a few of us singing a new worship song we had learned recently, Shi.ne Je.sus Shi.ne (by Graham Kendrik). Over the piano is a framed poem called Footprints. By the time I reached the end of the poem, I was well aware of how much God loved me and wanted me and that this is what I had spent all these years looking for. So what might have John written about my conversion? Jesus found Kim singing praises and said "Trust me" and is that really so different from the "follow me" that John overheard Jesus say to Philip?

Take the next 15 minutes and think about your experiences with a higher power, whatever form that may take. Although it's always a journey, is there a defining moment? Would you share?







Take what you like and leave the rest.
Kim

SMART Habits Saturday - week 2

SMART Habits Saturday is hosted by Lara @ The Lazy Organizer.

This is my second week and I think I'd like to alternate habits I want to make versus ones I should make. So this week's habit will be to spend 15 minutes with God every morning.

Here's the list:

15 Minute Walkabout 2 days last week, not so good

SMART Habits Saturday - July 7

SMART Habits Saturday is hosted by The Lazy Organizer being inspired by Lara's blog I've decided to participate this week in a smarter habit, but oh which one shall I do, I don't want to overdo things, just one habit a week is all I need as soon there will be lots and lots of good habits.

Cleaning: Do a walk-about every day. I can't find Laura's posts on walk-abouts although I know she's posted at least twice, plus her own daily 15 minute tidy up. Actually I guess I want to do a 15 minute tidy up, since I haven't taught the dog to put away his toys yet :)

Menu Planning Monday

Monday: Tilapia Fish with ginger and green onions, brushed with soya sauce and sherry. Veggie black bean stir fry on the side

Tuesday: Vegetable Enchildas

Wednesday: Pork and green beans stir fried in Olive and garlic sauce, tomatoes and tofu in oyster sauce

Thursday: Lemon Chicken side unknown

Friday: Salmon marinated in lemonpeppercorn sauce, side unknown.

Vegetable Enchiladas

Nutritional Information (based on actual recipe, not the jambalaya leftovers):
Calories: 309
Protein: 12g
Carbohydrate: 23g
Sugars: 14g
Fat: 19g
Saturates: 8g

Ingredients:
I use leftovers from the Vegetable Jambalaya, but these are the actual ingredients.
4 large four tortillas (I used 9 small whole wheat tortillas)
3/4 cup grated hard cheese (I used extra sharp cheddar)

Filling:
2 1/4 oz spinach
2 tbsp olive oil
8 baby corn on the cobs, sliced
1 tbsp frozen peas, thawed
1 red bell pepper, diced
1 carrot, diced
1 leek diced
2 garlic cloves, crushed
1 red chili, chopped
salt and pepper

Sauce: (I used the leftover canned chopped tomatoes, tomato paste, some vegetable stock and garlic salt for the sauce)
1 1/4 seived tomatoes
2 shallots, chopped
1 garlic clove, crushed
1 1/4 cups vegetable stock
1 tsp super fine sugar
1 tsp cayenne pepper

Directions:

1. To make filling, blanche the spinach in a pan of boiling water for 2 minutes. Drain well, pressing out as much excess moisture as possible and chop (oK, I use chopped frozen spinach and thaw it)
2. Heat the oil in a skillet over medium heat. Add the baby corn, peas, bell pepper, carrot, leek, garlic and chili, saute, stirring briskly, for 3-4 minutes. Stir in the spinach and season well with salt and pepper.
3. Put all the sauce ingredients in a heavy bottomed saucepan and bring to a boil, stirring constantly for 20 minutes until thickened and reduced by a third (I mixed my version in a bowl and stirred well, no cooking).
4. Spoon the filling into the tortillas, spinkle a little cheese inside, roll, place in baking dish.
5. Once all enchiladas are rolled, spoon sauce on top making sure to cover everything then sprinkle with cheese (I spinkled with cheese and more garlic salt).
6. Bake for 20 minutes at 350F.

Vegetable Jambalaya

Nutritional Information:
Calories: 181
Protein 6g
Carbohydrates: 25g
Sugars: 8g
Fat: 7g
Saturates: 1g

Ingredients:
1/2 cup brown rice
2 tbsp olive oil
2 garlic cloves, crushed
1 red onion, cut into 8
1 eggplant, diced (I used 2 more bell peppers, zucchini is good too)
1 green bell pepper, diced
1 3/4 oz baby corn on the cob, halved lengthwise
1/2 cup frozen peas
3 1/2 oz small broccoli florets
2/3 cup vegetable stock
8 oz can chopped tomatoes
1 tbsp tomato paste
1 tsp creole seasoning
1/2 tsp chili flakes
salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

1. Cook the rice according to directions on bag/box
2. Heat oil in heavy bottom skillet and cook garlic and onion stirring constantly for 2-3 minutes
3. Add eggplant, bell pepper, corn, peas, and broccoli to the pan and cook, stirring occassionally for 2-3 minutes
4. Stir in the vegetable stock and canned tomatoes, tomato paste, creole seasoning and chili flakes
5. Season to taste, cook over low heat for 15-20 minutes, or until vegetables are tender
6. Stir in cooked rice, mixing well, for 3-4 minutes. Serve immediately.

If too spice add butter or cheese to the jambalaya. I use the leftovers for Vegetable Enchildas.

Menu Planning Monday

Here's my nutritional menu for the week, low cal and low fat. For more participants see Org Junkie's list.

Sunday: Vegetable Jambalaya

Monday: Vegetable Enchiladas (using leftovers from Sunday)

Tuesday: Late Father's Day dinner out

Wednesday: Beef Stroganoff (from Dr. B recipes)

Thursday: Lemon Chicken

Friday: Tilapia fish in black bean sauce

Saturday: Tofu and veggies, pork and green beans - chinese style

Sunday: Kraft Foods Bruschetta Chicken Bake

Recipes to follow, I forgot the cookbooks, where I have it available I'll include nutritional information

Happy Mother's Day

Today is mother's day, and I really owe my mom a lot. I realize as I grow older just how lucky I am, and I owe that to 2 main things. God's grace, and mom's teaching.

I'm happily married because I had a good mom who loved us, cherished us which taught us to love ourselves and cherish ourselves, so that we would be able to give the same of ourselves to others. She taught us compromise and sacrifice as marriage is about that too. I'm lucky that my husband was also raised by a mom who taught him these things and that God gave us these wonderful mom's and each other. She taught us to be individuals and self sufficient, so even unmarried we would be happy.

We're not struggling financially because my mom taught me always to do my very best, to educate myself to strive to do things that I thought I might not be capable of, not to settle for good enough, when I know I can do better, but to also have compassion for myself and to give myself a chance to learn new things, they don't have to be done perfectly right away. She taught me to get an education and finish that education and not waste my intelligence. Because of this, I'm gainfully employed, even if I work too hard and I'm hard on myself if I don't complete things to my satisfaction in the timeline I set myself, I do set my expectations of myself very high.

I'm healthy because my mom taught me the importance of regular medical checkups. I see my dentist and doctor regularly, I could eat better, but I could also be worse, at least I know when I'm not eating well.

When things feel bad I learned that the world would not stop moving right along, because honestly if it did whenever someone felt bad, the world wouldn't ever move. So I learned that this too shall pass, it applies to the good and the bad though :)

I learned a lot about life from my mother, and hopefully one day I'll realize all the important things she's taught me about motherhood and I'll be able to pass them on to children of my own.

Happy mother's day mom and to all the mommies out there, may you all realize the impacts you have in the lives of those around you.