Shattered

As my vacation draws to a close, I have a confession to make, my vacation was a terrible one. I started out this vacation with such high hopes of accomplishing a lot. I was hoping to knock several items off my to do list, which I did with mom's help, and I was hoping to go back to work and soon announce an extended vacation period for maternity leave next April. Alas, that's not to be, the second [week]day of my vacation I learned the baby's heartbeat was slow and there had been little growth since the week before (there was no heartbeat the week before). The following week I learned there was no heartbeat, our baby had passed away. I miscarried on Tuesday Sept 22, 6 days before the 2 year anniversary of my first miscarriage. I found out I was pregnant this time 2 days before the anniversary of the same last time, to an extent I've felt fated to miscarry since day 1, but tried to take hope from this time having pregnancy symptoms, whereas last time I had none.

I had so many plans for my impending leave and they've all been shattered, my heart is breaking, and in some ways, because I desired the change at work so strongly I feel trapped to continuing with it, since changing jobs and trying to get pregnant again I don't feel right about. I'm fearful and worried, sad and disappointed and angry. I've been journalling my feelings, and the associated thoughts with them to try to get a handle on my grief.

It would be nice to take some extra time and go away for a few days (and my boss would allow for it), but hubby started a new job a month ago and is still on probation and doesn't feel comfortable in requesting to take the time off. Instead we'll be going away later, after his probation period is over, a short holiday for us.