Thursday, December 31, 2009
Another wait to miscarry the products of conception
This is number 3. I thought the doctor was supposed to take action to investigate possible causes, at least genetic testing of the embryo. When I talk to the nurse though about what the doctor wants, I just get that I should stop the meds and come back for another blood test next week.
I booked an appointment with the doctor to discuss genetic testing, now I just have to hope I don't lose the fetal tissue before I can meet with her, and then schedule the tests. With my luck though I'll pass the tissue this weekend.
I've decided to stop the fertility drugs. I took a break 6 months ago, and during that time I felt that the drugs are not the right way for me to conceive, I returned to the fertility clinic, since I had paid for a year of support, I then became pregnant in the next cycle, and lost the baby. The next cycle I could conceive in I became pregnant again, and now I'm losing this one too.
I wish I felt more angry, I'd really like to feel angry, I'd really like to express anger, but any time I want to be angry I just cry instead.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
I have been on other blogs and pregnancy and infant loss boards, but since there's often little to no organization within these types of forums I found it difficult to get what I needed. When I was in the depths of the loss, working to finding what I needed isn't what I was willing to do, crying and sleeping was more along the lines of what I was doing.
I've been back at work for 2 weeks now, and it's helping me to give me a break from the grief and somethin else to focus on while my body heals. I'm still conflicted about starting again trying to conceive and the risk of another miscarriage. I have in my head that there are still 3 losses I'll experience before successfully delivering a baby. I'm not prepared for that at this point. I know that I can approach pregnancy without fear of miscarrying, I did it for this last pregnancy, but it had been nearly 2 years since the last and I wanted a baby very much. I'm not prepared to experience the loss again so soon. For now I'm thinking to wait before starting fertility treatments again, no point in spending the money when conflicted on fertility treatments.
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Finally yesterday is the first day I didn't cry a lot, a confess there were a few tears, literally only 3 or so. One day at a time, some days will be easier than others, otherall, it will get easier with time.
Monday, September 28, 2009
My biggest emotional trigger right now is answering the questions "how was your vacation" and "what did you do". I asked some people for feedback on what to do, I like to be truthful, but in all honesty I'd probably burst into tears.
I figured larger meetings I'd just show up late for the first week.
Hubby said to tell people that there were some family emergencies, that left my vacation certainly less than expected.
One of the boards I'm on mentioned saying fine and turning the tables right back by asking what's occurred at the office while I've been away to keep things business focused.
I guess I could say I was sick most of my vacation.
Maybe I'll update through out the day, it's currently 8:30am.
I ended up bursting into tears and leaving at 9:30. The remainder of the week I worled form home in the morning. The afternoons I spent mostly in pain, turns out there is still some tissue left, hopefully to be removed Monday. At least I'm not cramping anymore.
Friday, September 25, 2009
I had so many plans for my impending leave and they've all been shattered, my heart is breaking, and in some ways, because I desired the change at work so strongly I feel trapped to continuing with it, since changing jobs and trying to get pregnant again I don't feel right about. I'm fearful and worried, sad and disappointed and angry. I've been journalling my feelings, and the associated thoughts with them to try to get a handle on my grief.
It would be nice to take some extra time and go away for a few days (and my boss would allow for it), but hubby started a new job a month ago and is still on probation and doesn't feel comfortable in requesting to take the time off. Instead we'll be going away later, after his probation period is over, a short holiday for us.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
For myself I like to think that there is some plane of existence in which the essence of me investigated the different possible places I could go, if I so choose, and for some reason I decided to come to this planet. Why would I choose to come here though, I like to pretend there are rules in choosing.
- Moving to certain planes means you don't get to have knowledge that other planes exist and what they are really like. If you learn about them, you have to take them on faith.
- When in one of the planes where you can see the other ones, you can't go to them all directly, you need to pass through another before, and depending on how you conduct yourself you may or may not get to go to the plane you were aiming at initially.
- When you go to a new plane (one where you don't have knowledge of the existence of other planes) you don't get to choose which life you'll be born into, you take your chances.
I could take the selfish route, there was some other plane I wanted to get to and although earth was one of multiple routes, maybe it was the shortest. I wouldn't be here more than 125 years (and likely less), maybe the other planes I could have lived for hundreds of years.
Alternately, maybe I looked upon the earth and I saw something I wanted to participate in, for example
- The great joys possible here in pursuing relationships with other people
- Helping people that are in pain or righting a societal injustice
- Experiencing faith in things that are unprovable
I think in figuring this out would help me feel purposeful and happy, because if I'm not doing what I thinking I'm supposed to be doing, then I'm not going to be happy.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I don't have many plans for the 2 weeks off, I few house chores and redocorating I've been meaning to do for a while now, I made a list and prioritized it, there are 41 items on it and I completed 2 of them a couple of weeks ago. I hope to complete 3 or 4 more while on vacation. Other than that, just me time to relax and chill out.
I went shopping today for some new jeans, I got 2 new pairs. I didn't find any tops that I liked though.
Now I'm going to go back to relaxing on the couch and watching TV.
Friday, July 03, 2009
Work is crazy busy I could use another holiday, but I don't have one scheduled for another 2.5 months, boohoo, but I'm hoping things will settle down in a month (yah right, they'll just give me another huge thing to do).
I'm taking the weekend off to relax!
Sunday, June 07, 2009
I'm taking a week off work to relax. I've also thought a lot about whether to take some time off cycle monitoring or continuing. Being an analyst, I decided to make a list for each. Here it is.
1 year of cycle monitoring has already been paid for
I really want to have a baby
I'm not getting any younger (I'll be 37 in Sept)
DH could be out of town for 6 months effectively ending any more ttc'ing until he returns
Stopping the drugs - it could take my body months to return to normal cycling - i.e. ovulating and producing enough progesterone
Stop for 1 cycle (maybe more)
Doesn't feel like the right thing to be doing to get pregnant
Hasn't felt like the right thing since the beginning of the second cycle (I've done 4 now)
Cost of IUI (DH is unemployed and can't afford anything extra in June)
Hormonally induced emotional breakdowns (left work in tears last cycle and broke down crying 2 other times during the same cycle)
Stress levels at work until July are very high, and not conducive to conception
So I've decided to take a month off of cycle monitoring, including no BBT to see if there's a temperature shift. Right now I think I might go see an accupuncturist, but I haven't make the appointment yet, and for me thinking about and making the acctual appointment are pretty far apart (even if I am pretty sure I should at least try it).
Anyway, I have this week off, and I'm trying not to look at anything work related. I thought it would be hard because I've been working every night and weekend for months, but I shutdown my computer and black.berry on Friday after work and have absolutely no desire to even contemplate work.
I was hoping the coming week would be nicer out, I was thinking of going to the local amusement park and art gallery. I can still go to the art gallery, but the amusement park would suck in the rain, and since it's not supposed to be very warm then the waterslides would not be much fun either.
I guess I'll do reading and gardening instead.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Would love prayers to conceive this time, if successful I could have a Valentine's Day baby!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
My other veggies are yellow wax beans and snow peas, and I bought a couple of packages of flowers too. I want to also grow red peppers (actually any sweet or bell pepper will do, but I tend to use the red, yellow and orange ones and those are pretty expensive off season). I wonder if I can plant the seeds from the veggie when I cut it open, normally I just compost the parts I don't use. Also I think I might buy a tomato plant, I'm not a big fan of tomatoes, but I've started making a couple of recipes and each calls for a whole tomato, so that's 2 per week consumed, so maybe a plant would be a good idea.
So seeing my little veggies grow has been making me feel a little maternal and I keep telling hubby how the seedlings are doing, at least I don't check daily or drag him to look at them daily, I check about 4 times a week, because I have to remember to water them (I'll forget if I don't look in on the plants, I try to remember to look at them daily, but I usually on manage alternate days.
Well off to read my book again.
Friday, April 24, 2009
1) I need to take more vacation
2) I need to be less available when I take time off, rather than checking email 2-3 times a day, at least I have a smartphone making it easier to check, but it still leaves me feeling stressed.
Now for the 2 week wait, wish me luck, I'll know if the treatments were successful just before mother's day.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
- My budget
- Insurance coverage
Hubby and I defined a basic budget for this, we decided to spend $5000 and no more. That number depended on insurance coverage of medication and procedural costs. So my insurance will cover 80% of all meds to a $9000 lifetime maximum. I'm hoping with this information I can find out from my doctor the plan for the next 3-5 cycles.
As for timelines, to be honest, I don't feel like doing cycle monitoring anymore (it's only been 2 cycles), since you have to pay for a year I'll continue with the monitoring and we'll see month by month what I feel like doing.
Hubby and I also talked a little bit about long term plans if we don't get pregnant. I've thought about it a fair bit (I'm a planner, I've been thinking about it since my early 20s). These are my thoughts/options obviously I can't do them all at the same time:
- Downsize to a condo or possibly sell all property and travel the world working here and there to support traveling.
- Quit work, and do something I find more fulfilling, less stressful and socially responsible
- Be a foster parent, and/or join big sisters in my community
I suppose #2 I can do anytime, well, hubby has to be working, and downsizing might have to be done first or pay off the mortgage.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
I did some more research, turns out clo.mid and h.c.g is a treatment for LPD because sometimes the body fakes ovulation and for all intents and purposes it looks like ovulation occurred and progestrone is produced, but it may in fact not have occurred.
Oh well, here's hoping this cycle works out.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Anyway back to ttc'ing. So I know I have an issue with a short luteal phase, I don't think I need the drugs for hyper ovulation or the wash, but they are pressuring me to do it next month. We'll see what happens when I decline to do it. The other thing is last cycle the drugs to lengthen my luteal phase didn't work quite as expected, if the same thing occurs this month, then I want them to fix the known issue rather than trying to help me conceive faster, because otherwise I'm just throwing away money if the luteal phase isn't long enough to support a pregnancy.
So now I'm in the 2 week wait (2ww). Testing on Friday April 10, I think I'll take that day off work, I could use a break anyway.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Anyway I made a list of things I would like to eat and then bought groceries accordingly, although when I went to the store, surprise surprise other things not on my list ended up in my cart, and I don't have children.
I thought I'd share what I'm going to make over the next 2 weeks some for dinner, some for lunch:
No Pasta lasagna - Cook yourself Thin (uses zucchini for layering)
Easy cheeseburger pie - Kraft Foods
Quiche from 2007's Milk calendar - real crust though, not the cracker crumbs from the calendar
Slow cooker beef stew on garlic and sour cream mashed potatoes (yummy cooked with red wine).
Pork and green beans in an olive mustard sauce or maybe oyster sauce (asian dish)
Easy chicken wraps (chicken cooked with salsa, add cheese, green onion to wrap and microwave) then add veggies (peppers, lettuce, tomato etc)
Chicken with red peppers and kale or spinach with vodka rose sauce on penne
Coconut pie (it will be the first pie I have ever made)
Now, you may have noticed there are only 6 main dishes here, likely they will last the weeks until I go grocery shopping again.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
I had an ultrasound and a sonogram, and 13 vials of blo.od withdrawn. Hubby had a few vials done too.
The ultra was fine, the sono was crampy (worst cramps I've ever had, but I admit, I'm very lucky in that respect, I only gets semi-noticeable cramps 2 or 3 cycles a year). The sono, if I understood correctly, showed that the fluid wasn't highlighting something in the left corner (not sure if it was the tube or the uterus), so they kept pushing more fluid in (5 times), eventually it was highlighted (yay?) Sorry I can't seem to get too excited about that it was very uncomfortable, I'm sure I'll be estatic if I get pregnant this cycle.
Ssorry mom I won't know in time for your birthday although that would be a great present for your milestone year!
Anyway I start cycle monitoring on Monday. Apparently I should expect an unltrasound and blood work every visit while cycle monitoring. Hey at least I'll know I'm about to ovulate hence the best time to conceive.
For now, I need to check some tax data so I know how much more I should contribute to RRSPs.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
1) Not illegal
2) Not against my morals
So to start things off I give you 3 items from my list
1) Go parasailing (like behind a boat, I'm not sure what it's called when it's on a tow line)
2) Go hang gliding
3) Take at least 2 singing lessons
So hit me with some ideas.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
So for the last 2 weeks I've been tracking how much time I really spend working, and I don't get overtime for it. I was planning on doing it for the month. This is what a typical day looks like:
5:30 am hit snooze three times, take temperature for graphing BBT
6:00 get out of bed, wash, dress
6:30 prepare breakfast, check temperature and work email
7:00 Dry hair do makeup put on socks
7:10 pack bag for work
7:15 leave house, drop hubby at station, Drake at daycare (M,W,F only), go to work
8:00-8:15 arrive work (depends on traffic and if Drake is going to daycare)
4:30-5:30 leave work (depends on the day how late I leave, and if Drake's at daycare or not, I leave earlier when he's not)
5:00-6:00 Pick up Drake (if hubby arriving within 40 minutes pick him up from station). If waiting do work at the station.
If Drake's not at daycare I go home first to let him out to pee, and then I'll wait for hubby to call to pick him up from the station, I'll work during that time, which is typically from 5-6:30.
6:30 Typical time to pick up hubby
6:45 Home, change clothes make dinner
7:30 Eat dinner
8 onwards more work, I'll stop anywhere between 9:30 and midnight
Read until I feel tired enough to go to sleep, which is typically between 12 and 1:30. Now you know why I hit snooze three times in the morning.
By the end of the week I'm typically going to bed to read after dinner and may fall asleep between 9 and 9:30, but then I'll wake up at 3:30 or 4, at least I don't work until my normal wake up time :)
This continues on the weekend too, any time I'm not sleeping, eating or reading, then I'm working.
So instead of working after I get home or first thing in the morning, or weekends, I've made 2 lists of other things I can do, but I need some help.
I'm going to give you list 2 first, because it's list 1 I need help with.
List 2: Other things I can do
List 1: Stuff I can do for me
Manicure, pedicure, eyebrows, facial
Needlepoint, quilt, sew
Listen to music, sing, dance
I need more things that make me happy, but I'm having a little trouble coming up with things that make me happy. It's getting a little easier. I've always liked crafts ever since I was little. Music and dancing is my stress relief that I used in university. I'd like to do some redecorating but I'm not sure if that belongs on list 1 or 2, I suppose if I made a very concise list of what I want, then I could shop for it and put it on list 2.
Although hubby and I were planning to go to Italy after tax time, part of me thinks I should go south, because last year I was going to try something new every month and parasailing behind a boat was one of those things (as was snow tubing and horse back riding for the year, I did do the horseback riding).
So any ideas of things I should try on weekend or evening rather than working?
Saturday, January 10, 2009
That's the date I go see the specialist and start with assessing my current health, I'm not sure if they'll do any kind of diagnostic reproductive testing on this date, that would be nice, get the ball rolling a little faster, I hate waiting.
To be honest, I hate the idea of going to see a specialist for diagnostic testing to see if there are any reasons I'm not getting pregnant again, because sometimes I just don't like the idea of asking for help, and feel like a bit of a failure that I'm not getting pregnant easily. But I guess that's a common feeling in women trying to conceive. I keep trying to remind myself that although in total we've been trying for 18 cycles, those cycles have been broken up over a 2 year period and any individual length of time is not very long (3, 5, 3, 7) I just keep thinking of the 27 months it's been and the 34 months I've been wanting to conceive. OK that's just depressing, so I'm going to stop blogging now.