I've been thinking lately about starting a website of my experiences, I was looking for a book on working through miscarriage after I miscarried this time, and surprisingly there was only 2 on the website I checked, all the other books were about lower the risk of miscarriage and pregnancy after miscarriage, obviously niether of which I was looking for.

I have been on other blogs and pregnancy and infant loss boards, but since there's often little to no organization within these types of forums I found it difficult to get what I needed. When I was in the depths of the loss, working to finding what I needed isn't what I was willing to do, crying and sleeping was more along the lines of what I was doing.

I've been back at work for 2 weeks now, and it's helping me to give me a break from the grief and somethin else to focus on while my body heals. I'm still conflicted about starting again trying to conceive and the risk of another miscarriage. I have in my head that there are still 3 losses I'll experience before successfully delivering a baby. I'm not prepared for that at this point. I know that I can approach pregnancy without fear of miscarrying, I did it for this last pregnancy, but it had been nearly 2 years since the last and I wanted a baby very much. I'm not prepared to experience the loss again so soon. For now I'm thinking to wait before starting fertility treatments again, no point in spending the money when conflicted on fertility treatments.

May this be the end - TMI

It's been nearly 2 weeks since my second miscarriage, apparently there is still a little bit of tissue in my uterus. The doctor wants me to wait 2 weeks to see if I pass it myself, if not she'd try to remove it in the clinic. I feel the wait is preventing me from moving on in my grieving process, and I fear that there's a risk of hemorraging again or infection that could cause more fertility issues for me. I called the office on Friday and asked to have the in office procedure scheduled for early this week. So it will be Monday morning. Hopefully it works.

Finally yesterday is the first day I didn't cry a lot, a confess there were a few tears, literally only 3 or so. One day at a time, some days will be easier than others, otherall, it will get easier with time.

First day back to work

Today is my first day back to work. I was hoping it would be a little easier than it's been so far, although it's only been the drive into the office and booting up my computer.

My biggest emotional trigger right now is answering the questions "how was your vacation" and "what did you do". I asked some people for feedback on what to do, I like to be truthful, but in all honesty I'd probably burst into tears.

I figured larger meetings I'd just show up late for the first week.
Hubby said to tell people that there were some family emergencies, that left my vacation certainly less than expected.
One of the boards I'm on mentioned saying fine and turning the tables right back by asking what's occurred at the office while I've been away to keep things business focused.
I guess I could say I was sick most of my vacation.

Maybe I'll update through out the day, it's currently 8:30am.

Update:
I ended up bursting into tears and leaving at 9:30. The remainder of the week I worled form home in the morning. The afternoons I spent mostly in pain, turns out there is still some tissue left, hopefully to be removed Monday. At least I'm not cramping anymore.

Shattered

As my vacation draws to a close, I have a confession to make, my vacation was a terrible one. I started out this vacation with such high hopes of accomplishing a lot. I was hoping to knock several items off my to do list, which I did with mom's help, and I was hoping to go back to work and soon announce an extended vacation period for maternity leave next April. Alas, that's not to be, the second [week]day of my vacation I learned the baby's heartbeat was slow and there had been little growth since the week before (there was no heartbeat the week before). The following week I learned there was no heartbeat, our baby had passed away. I miscarried on Tuesday Sept 22, 6 days before the 2 year anniversary of my first miscarriage. I found out I was pregnant this time 2 days before the anniversary of the same last time, to an extent I've felt fated to miscarry since day 1, but tried to take hope from this time having pregnancy symptoms, whereas last time I had none.

I had so many plans for my impending leave and they've all been shattered, my heart is breaking, and in some ways, because I desired the change at work so strongly I feel trapped to continuing with it, since changing jobs and trying to get pregnant again I don't feel right about. I'm fearful and worried, sad and disappointed and angry. I've been journalling my feelings, and the associated thoughts with them to try to get a handle on my grief.

It would be nice to take some extra time and go away for a few days (and my boss would allow for it), but hubby started a new job a month ago and is still on probation and doesn't feel comfortable in requesting to take the time off. Instead we'll be going away later, after his probation period is over, a short holiday for us.

Why am I here?

Have you ever wondered at why you're on this earth?

For myself I like to think that there is some plane of existence in which the essence of me investigated the different possible places I could go, if I so choose, and for some reason I decided to come to this planet. Why would I choose to come here though, I like to pretend there are rules in choosing.

1. Moving to certain planes means you don't get to have knowledge that other planes exist and what they are really like. If you learn about them, you have to take them on faith.
2. When in one of the planes where you can see the other ones, you can't go to them all directly, you need to pass through another before, and depending on how you conduct yourself you may or may not get to go to the plane you were aiming at initially.
3. When you go to a new plane (one where you don't have knowledge of the existence of other planes) you don't get to choose which life you'll be born into, you take your chances.

So why would I choose to come to earth?

I could take the selfish route, there was some other plane I wanted to get to and although earth was one of multiple routes, maybe it was the shortest. I wouldn't be here more than 125 years (and likely less), maybe the other planes I could have lived for hundreds of years.

Alternately, maybe I looked upon the earth and I saw something I wanted to participate in, for example

• The great joys possible here in pursuing relationships with other people
• Helping people that are in pain or righting a societal injustice
• Experiencing faith in things that are unprovable

I think in figuring this out would help me feel purposeful and happy, because if I'm not doing what I thinking I'm supposed to be doing, then I'm not going to be happy.

Ahhh Vacation

I'm off again for 2 glorious weeks, looks like the nice weather will hold for at least the first week and I'll have some time to myself since hubby has to work (he just started a new job a month ago with one of the "big 6" banks here).

I don't have many plans for the 2 weeks off, I few house chores and redocorating I've been meaning to do for a while now, I made a list and prioritized it, there are 41 items on it and I completed 2 of them a couple of weeks ago. I hope to complete 3 or 4 more while on vacation. Other than that, just me time to relax and chill out.

I went shopping today for some new jeans, I got 2 new pairs. I didn't find any tops that I liked though.

Now I'm going to go back to relaxing on the couch and watching TV.

Freedom

Last cycle was great taking a break from fertility testing, I'm not going back this month either. In fact, I never want to go back. The one and only reason I want to go back is to have an ultrasound to see if they can see a cyst or fibroid on my left ovary. The acupuncturist says there's one there -- did I mention that already?

Work is crazy busy I could use another holiday, but I don't have one scheduled for another 2.5 months, boohoo, but I'm hoping things will settle down in a month (yah right, they'll just give me another huge thing to do).

I'm taking the weekend off to relax!